Doria's blog

Reunion

2012-01-27T03:33:00.003+08:00

Michelle's place, CNY day 4.
Much-needed laugh and companionship.

And that cheongsam bought last year fits so well.

Paired words

2012-01-19T22:16:00.001+08:00

If you tried loading the online photo editing website Picnik in a slow broadband connection, you'll see paired words distracting you from concentrating on the status bar.

(I remember fluffy clouds. Something about colours. And of course, planting trees.)

It's interesting how the words are being played upon. A noun / adjective and a verb put together to create a visual picture, a conceptualisation of ideas, a combination of what is being seen and what is being felt.

The picture was taken on Tue night. A splurge out of desperation -- I was in KL for two meetings with the only pair of pumps missing its soles. Headed out to KLCC for an emergency pair of pumps, which turned out to be the best mood lifter for next morning.

Playing the two-words game using the picture, breaking that noun / adjective + verb combo at times:

Necessary purchase. Ballerina feel. Affordable beauty.
Mood lifter. (Mentioned it earlier and I think it's important to mention it again)
Office appropriate. Quick fix. In style.
Appealing presentation. Defying conventions. (Black Crocs, black pumps, black heels... this is the first coloured pair I've had since 2009)

Surprising coincidence. (Brought a striped purple-and-white shirt for meeting; realised the matching pair after paying for the pair of pumps).

Questionable investment. (This pair, as with other pumps, will last for 1 month, max)
Feminine touch. (I do feel like a girl with this pair of pumps. Can't really justify why do I feel this way.)

Happy feet. (No pun intended)

Purple love? Dented hearts? Lasting connection? Having faith? Missing confidence?
Recurring incidences.
Genuine feelings. Doubting others. Doubting self. Opportunity costs.

Finding anchors. Holding on.

Easy tonight.

2011: What a year! 2012: Bring more on, please?

2011-12-31T21:27:00.000+08:00

Am spending the last day of 2011, figuring out how to be comfortable on the bed after the agonising (but surprisingly comforting) massage this afternoon.

Reflections.

2011.

Frequent travels up to KL, twice a month on average.

Fluctuations in weight. Regulated a 9p - 3a sleeping schedule. Skipped lunch most of the time but have made sure I had breakfast every morning. In the library on Saturdays and Sundays.

The faith towards religion is restored. Dear God, sorry for abandoning you for such a long time.

A scholarship holder. :)

The office and four individuals (Dr. Ismail, Prof. Ho, Dr. Lee and Dr Masputeriah) become a major part of life. Loving the working experience, enjoying the exponential learning curve. Am honoured to have the trust and exposure from all of them.

The projects / events / tasks handled gets more manageable. University Presidents Forum was hard, but since I'd survived it (with a few scratches), I should have no problem managing more (challenging) tasks. :)

Not enjoying a particular remark given by one of of the office staff: "You are a student. Why does (name) ask you to do the work of a (position)?". Not to mention the difference in services / requests obtained when I introduced the self as a student. A staff doesn't necessary perform better than a student, and such complacency and mindset is a pain in the backside, on a daily basis.

Own research is progressing slowly. I'll try to finish by Semester 8. The "graduate on time" status just doesn't suit me, thank you very much.

Fadli, Atikah, Alish, Yee Khai, Ann, Kean Siong, Idayu, Simon, Zhang, Rose. The ones who cared.

And Raphael, Kar Teck, Kai Hua, KC, Shieh Lin. The ones who enables me to breathe easy.

Projections.

2012?

I'm assuming it wouldn't go far from the above pattern.

Well, maybe except the progress of own research (MUST), the number of publications (3 indexed, 2 journal pieces), the number of research projects managed (3? Hopefully), the traveling abroad opportunities (Ho Chi Minh. MUST. Cambodia and Taiwan too), and the tasks managed at the office (I'll leave this blank for now. XD)

The constant variables?

No resolutions, definitely. Just going on with the flow.

Living on (still) with Anderson Cooper's "I wanted emotion but couldn't find it here, so I settled for motion."

And maybe learn how to say "No" and go MIA once in a while.

Goodbye 2011. Will be missing you.

Hello 2012! So what do you have in store for me?

Doria

quick fix vs long-term fix

2011-12-23T06:18:00.000+08:00

Quick fix: A simple solution; an easy way out; A temporary solution; a stopgap measure.
Starbucks = quick fix.

Long term fix?
o_O

blessed are those who...

2011-12-17T14:36:00.002+08:00

... are showed the way by the ones who care.

(so feeling lost academically isn't a bad thing after all)

A calm before (re-entering) the storm.

2011-12-02T07:26:00.001+08:00

Book + tea + dessert.

Haven't merge the three in one sitting for a very long time. VERY. :)

Where is home?

2011-11-27T11:00:00.001+08:00

‎'Home was not necessarily where you were born, or where you grew up, but something else entirely, something fragile that could exist anywhere in the world.'

"Map of the Invisible World", Tash Aw (2009) (Amazon link here)

Can I?

2011-11-23T05:03:00.001+08:00

Stephanie Sun's "Peace"

2011-11-19T09:12:00.001+08:00

This song was on loop as I did my laundry early this morning:

The lyrics, in a way, resonated well with what's going on in the life and how I feel about this week in particular:

#1: 突然間　有一點情緒　也有一些道理　說給陌生人聽

[translation: Suddenly (I) felt emotional / told strangers some truth]

You know, I'd never knew people would read this blog. A personal space to banter -- and yet people find it an interesting place to go ~~and waste a few minutes of time read on~~.

Euginn has a FB page dedicated to informing people what's going on in JB.
He invited me for a social media event in 8Lido.

I'd never knew there were so many awesome people in JB. People like Peggy Loh, Allan (the owner of 8Lido), Caridee, Jason, and Belinda (of MyDEAL JB)!

This story is meant for another blog post :P, but the key point is this: an overlapping of personally-defined "peace zone" (e.g. blogs, FB pages) will create... a bigger (and more in-depth) peace zone!

#2: 太陽還是同個姿勢　小鳥還是那個拍子 / 沒什麼會停止　別人繼續過日子 / 站在地球小小位置　誰在意我們的爭執
[translation: The sun will still be at the same location, and the little bird will still (fly) in the same beat; Nothing will stop, people continue to live / Standing at a little spot the earth, who cares about our little dispute?]

The gist of this section? Life goes on, no matter what happens.
To put it in a crude manner: the absence / death of a person is insignificant and might not have direct impact on the whole population. The clock is still ticking and work still progresses, at the end of the day >.<

#3: 我只要在兵荒馬亂中找到和平
[translation: I just (need to) find peace in the midst of the turmoil]

There's beauty in chaos.
Am currently helping out the office in planning 2 delegation visits to South Africa, London and Saudi Arabia. On top of preparing for 3 institutional nominations for an award, a few proposals, conference abstract submissions (oh I think I left one abstract~), research paperwork, and my own (unfinished) pilot test draft.
It can go out of hand, if you can't manage plus allowing sudden distractions get in the way.
But those "go out of hand" moments are the exact moments when order, composure and creativity are trained.
If peace is defined as "inner contentment", I've found mine, amidst the "go out of hand" moments.

#4: 不掉淚　是因為好多事還要努力
[translation: Do not shed tears because (you have) a lot of things to strive for]

There were moments this week when it feels like there's too much to do, too little time to do everything, and too many expectations to be met. Am ready to shed those tears (in the room, under the sheets). However, an acquaintance commented, "...it's prolly not worth your tears. :) cheer up!!".
True enough. Thanks Feli!

#5: 我是固執的　我微笑就代表我正在要求和平
[translation: I'm stubborn, (and yet) I smile for the sake of peace]

I'd come to realise what annoys me most in office: Having people questioning your work and doubting your capabilities.
The story, in short: am helping the boss around with some work. Administration, research, planning, write up, the likes. But a statement (which I thought initially was a joke and not pure sarcasm) was being thrown at me, indirect quote goes like this: "Kenapa (name) suruh you buat kerja level (position) sedangkan you ni student?"
Fortunately the boss is very supportive. And has been backing me up all this while.

I guess at this point of time, the perfect solution in finding peace (in the midst of all these questioning, and doubting) is just... smile, work extra hard, perform, and remind the self that there's no point in getting all worked up on all the negativism thrown at me.

Time to get back to work. :P

Viva la vicious!

2011-11-14T06:31:00.001+08:00

I was in UTM KL on Fri morning for a class and consultation session. Planned on going back to JB after class, which is about 1:30pm.

At another venue, Atikah (who's the L'Oreal Malaysia Recruitment Executive in charge of L'Oreal Brandstrorm 2012) was talking about her Brandstorm experience. She shared about the pains, the joy and the bond formed after the competition; somehow, she thinks it's time to have a team reunion, especially when a) Fadli texted her when she was presenting (coincidence?), and
b) I was around KL

She called me up and convinced me to stay at her place for a reunion.
It's a decision I'm proud of. Despite the piling workload.

I joined Atikah at her promotional drive in Taylor's Uni (beautiful campus!) in the afternoon.
Was being introduced as "my team mate who is currently doing her PhD."
Klu org dengar perkataan "PhD" je mata terbeliak, facial expression lain giler, lepas tu cuba nak kira tahun... Eh bdk sorang ni mcm mana dpt masuk PhD dlm 2++ thn?!! So cool.
I'm not a genius. I just have people around me who are genius enough to give me an opportunity to try being a genius for a while. *cue laugh*

So we met each other up around 4:30pm the next day (since Fadli was dating Kim Choon in Midvalley on the same day, and Atikah needs to go to her uncle's place for lunch).
We shared more stories, laughed even more, and enjoyed each other's company in a cloudy Saturday afternoon.
Gambar tu kat Kiehl's Midvalley. Fadli nak cari produk penjagaan muka. Atikah recommended Biotherm dan Kiehl's. It's my first time in Kiehl's as well. Am very impressed with the beauty advisor, Mimi (or is it Miki?). Fadli seemed to be enjoying it as well.

Ok. Hari ni masuk office awal skit (my clock in time past 1 week has always been 730a. super early that the permanent staff themselves). Lepas tu... keep on swagging! *cue sinister laugh*

It's the start of a brand new week and I'm missing these two already.

God doesn't give you what you can't handle.

2011-10-22T09:47:00.000+08:00

But God most certainly give you the resources (people, especially) to lighten up the burden.

tersentuh

2011-10-15T05:54:00.002+08:00

the mental block on that piece of relationship doesn't really work. heh

you know you're doing it right when...

2011-09-30T01:36:00.000+08:00

... there's pushing and striving, largely from the self to do the best, and all but a few know you're behind it.

(raphael and kai hua's reaction as they found out the identity of the writer? epic!!! heh)

Too much information (TMI)

2011-09-25T18:35:00.002+08:00

have you encountered consequences when there's too much information (will be shortened to TMI from this point onwards) being given to you (or the other way round), and you have no idea how to react during that given point of time?
Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut. ~ @IslamicThinking ~

"no" to smart phones... for now

2011-09-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

my cell phone had a life on its own.
it's a sony ericsson spiro model, a phone i purchased after mylds 2010.
a few falls rendered the phone useless, and i was rather surprised with the short life span of the phone.
my previous phone i.e. sony ericsson w100i lasted around 2 years, and it had served me well - in terms of basic function and aesthetically (my fb album "what the w100i saw" as reference).

this is my new phone.
have been searching high and low for a phone with the basic call-text-calendar-note-alarm functions.
such basic functions are available at all phones -- the key question here is to either go high end and opt for smart phones, or sticking to the a phone that feed your basic needs in telecommunications.

this link here gives an 101 on smart phones and explains the market share of smart phones.
the fact remains that smart phones are here to stay, and its market is expanding at a rapid phase, with telco companies offering competitive packages to attract customers, such as the iphone packages from three major telcoms in malaysia i.e. digi, celcom and maxis.

i believe in the need for speed and convenience in accessing information and communicating with others. hence, the telco companies are doing us all a favour in constant connectivity, on the go, anytime and anywhere.

i'd to admit, i almost get one smart phone myself recently, eyeing the sleek, user-friendly iphone package from celcom.

the thoughts below stopped me short from paying that down payment for the iphone package:
#1: i have no use for constant connection on the Internet.
#2: i do not have to be constantly connected to the social network e.g. facebook and twitter.
#3: i do not want to spend my time playing with my phone (knowing how addictive the apps can be)
#4: i'm happy as long as i can call and text people around me.

although a smart phone is a plus to have, a no-frills, call-text-calendar-note-alarm phone would be better suited to my needs and demand.

my phone is not my life, and i think i would want that slight freedom in choosing how, when and where to connect.

i'd swear smart phone users are rolling their eyes, saying "pfft!".

i'm not saying i won't "cross to the other side".
imho, with my current needs, a simple phone would suffice.
i still have time to join the crowd in carrying a smart phone around, don't i?

detachment?

2011-09-01T00:00:00.001+08:00
the 7th night at home.

i've been looking forward for the trip home.
the clean bed, meals been taken care of, and the breaths came easier.
not so much on the load though.
ran around for raya errands on top of working on own project at every spare time, day and night.

the raya mood's just not there.

it's time for self-evaluation.

should we still take pride in our "multi-racial" status?

2011-08-06T21:20:00.001+08:00
got to blog about this.

earlier in the week, 8tv made a rather huge broadcasting error by producing a PSA TV ad that is deemed insulting to a lot of Malaysians:

personally, i think there's nothing wrong with the PSA. the truth is, there will be some who are blissfully unaware of those who fasts from dawn till dusk, who still eats or drinks openly in front of those who fasts.

else how would you explain your disappointment when your friend's having this chilled drink in front of you, on a hot (fasting) afternoon, when you're trying so hard to control yourself from thinking about the drink?

for some muslims, the argument holds that if there's no horned fellas misleading you, that should be your nafsu talking, and you need to control that. but in our defense, it wouldn't hurt to have people respecting your rights for religious obligations, and this includes fasting.

hence, i support 8tv's move in doing the PSA. some reminders should be in place. but maybe the way in which the message is delivered should be more... subtle, knowing the extra-sensitivity of malaysians who harped on the racial cards on each and every issue available.

rather than showing do's and don'ts, a more... subtle way of doing the PSA are (some suggestions here):
a) upin, ipin and gang short conversations -- like the sister reminding the kids, 'bile puasa tu kite x blh minum tau!', then upin and ipin's multi-racial friends will nod away, saying 'betul betul betul!'
b) some foreigners hanging out with malaysians, walking through the huge bazaar. the malaysians need not to be multi-racial, a malay would suffice (truth be told, am tired of "by-defaulting" 3 races in every scenario). that malaysian explains about fasting in a nutshell, the foreigner nods away, then came the closing scene where all sat together for breaking fast.
c) bloopers-style PSA. e.g. guy offers drink to friend. friend says, "sorry bro, i tengah puasa". guy showed remorse face, saying, "aiya, sorry la bro, x ingat pulak!", then the whole PSA closes by a message, "oops! tak sengaja la tu. tapi tak pe, kite cool lagi...".

i'm not trying to blame 8tv or show a creative-than-thou attitude here.
but my point is that, the general malaysians are super sensitive nowadays. they can't even laugh at themselves. the message to be passed to them needs to be more... appealing to their palettes. kalau tak kesian la orang PR kena buat 'troubleshooting' nanti .

there's a bigger point i want to make here.

as i mentioned earlier, everything will be a racial issue in the eyes of super-sensitive malaysians. have we took pride in our multi-racial "specialty" too much to want to protect that status quo every chance we got?

in the exact words of thomas friedman, "the world is flat". truth is, a lot of countries have multi-racial societies, and their multi-racial societies can consist of more than 10 cultures blending into one society.

really -- there's no point in highlighting our multi-racial "specialty" anymore.

the real challenge for us malaysians, is to highlight the following:
1) we're a moderate Islam country, where everyone is free to practice their faith, as legalised in the Constitution, not to mention copying Prophet Muhammad (s.a.aw)'s practice of letting people with different faith live together in harmony
2) we're different, individually -- but as malaysians, we're collected, unified, food-loving, peace-keeping community, and that's a hard thing to get in a globalised society

this particular post is inspired by a friend's series of tweets. his name is Pamungkas Amin, but we call him Pang. met him during this AIESEC conference in Indonesia 2 years back.

this is his first tweet:

then his second tweet:

his third tweet:

and the last (and perhaps the one with the most punch) tweet:

see how Indonesian Muslims perceive their fellow non-Muslims?
that's the kind of thing we're looking for, and truth be told, malaysians have been living in that condition for the past 53+ years.
we have taken it for granted, until some incidents (by our trusted politicians) reminded us in a less-than-desired fashion.

seriously, put a new spin in the multi-racial "specialty". old stories are... well, old.

25

2011-07-30T01:14:00.001+08:00
the big 25. let's see what leads to that number.
previous stories tracked here and here.

1. implemented a carbon footprint project for 1st year chemical engineers as a requisite for bayer young environmental envoy. details in the august archive of the blog.
> got to know syamir better, being closer to fadli, eky and idayu.
> didnt make it to germany, but made a long term impact on the students, tracked here.
> realise how important the topic of carbon calculation is after prof ho (from the office) became part of a multi-million research project on low carbon city.

2. graduated. as a degree holder.
> parents didn't make it for the ceremony, but knowing that the bosses are around to witness that occassion is sufficient, at least motivation wise.
> rose came. biggest motivator of the day, and weeks after that.
> raphael, zhang, eky dropped by. and that's about the list. that turnout is the first of many rounds of "friendship audit" i've had for the next 12 months.

3. went for raya celeb + bon odori + reunion.
> tickle me elmo. best toy to have. too bad i cant afford it.

4. gotten busy with mylds 2010 / kaleidoscope.
> wei siang is adorable.
> the team is a puzzle successfully pieced together, with some misfits along the way.
> it's that moment when i'm sure i cant feel anything for @ anymore. tracked here.

5. first reception, as a "staff" under the office (liar, big time XD). on a delegation from seoul university of technology who touched down in singapore for a signing ceremony.
> good exposure.
> realised i sucked at small talks. just goes to prove that the "i" (introvert) in my MBTI test will never go away, no matter which kind of event i'm exposed to.

6. went to singapore for 6th qs apple 2010.
> great lessons learnt. story tracked here.

7. was offered zamalah scholarship by utm. then was terminated by the university.
> heard so many feedback saying, "oh you're still a utm student so the change in faculty should not be a prob for your scholarship.", especially fr a prof in grad school.
> and still. the scholarship's revoked.
> 1st scholarship ever gotten.
> felt super dissapointed. esp at a dr who pointed and exclaimed, loudly, "we're taking you off this, who asked you to change faculty?" directly to the face.

8. backpacked in bangkok.
> pickpocketed. but saved. twice.
> awesome place. especially the "mai pen ra" attitude. oh, you soft-talking thais.
> the visit will not be the last time.
> stories tracked in the december archive of the blog.

9. bought an ipod touch. and lost it.
> heartbreaking, indeed. especially since it was purchased using my hard earned cash. story tracked here.
> at current point of time, this is the 2nd thing (after that furry laughing elmo) that i can't affort.

10. didnt go back for chinese new year.
> for a while that decision made me question the priorities i've set. story tracked here.
> it's the first of many incidents when i realised that the parents don't really bother about me going back for the holidays, and the concerns and challenges i'd faced daily is, in a nutshell, none of their business.
> no more place to "manja-manja", i suppose, from then onwards.

11. finished 2 mini projects.
> an international mobility guideline and a feasibility study on corporatising a dept in a ministry.
> one-(wo)man show, backed by boss. rewarding experience.

12. initiated 2 mid-scale projects.
> own postgrad research and a code of practice for international student management.
> more migraines, but am excited to feel the adrenaline (and frustration) from the projects. bring it on lah.
> and time to update the linked in profile :)

13. went to hong kong for going global 2011.
> come to think of it, i'd never blogged about the experience. what a waste.
> a very good exposure for the self on internationalisation.
> getting closer to debby along the way.
> crazy obsession on angry birds plushies. and i'd also fallen in love with the speed of the place and the weather.
> not a fan of small spaces though, unfortunately.

14. managed a university presidents forum.
> mostly, one-(wo)man show. some help from the office, especially pn siti, during the preparation leading to the forum.
> not too happy with my performance. 6/10 rating. story tracked here.
> it's one event that convinces me i am on to greater things, and the event is just a tiny speck of something better in the future.
> great experience working with a group of students, idayu, fadli and izyan. idayu, especially -- on that night where she waited 7 hours with me just to take care of the delegates.
> also one very eye opening exposure on how painful it is to have people with "it's not in my job description so i don't care / i'm not doing it" + "i don't know" attitude.
> if i were to be a leader in the future, i'll make sure these people / people with those attitude will not be on my team.

15. travelled, on average, once a month up to kl. sometimes twice.
> great way to train the self on light packing. and multi-tasking during those kl trips (event A + task B + meeting friends)
> solidifying my faith on anderson cooper's quote: "i wanted emotion but i couldn't find it here, so i settled for motion."

16. gotten 6 job offers, to date.
> in no particular order: ums, unimas, uthm, usm, taylors, deloitte. with 2 of the institutions blatantly spoke of my "future" in front of some of the bosses.
> add on to the fact that a ministry has so-called "asked around" about me, according to boss -.-
> truth is, other than good ol' research and lecture halls, i'd never think of any other job options. but the "where" and the "what" of my future career hasn't got through the mind yet.
> enlighten me, dear God. i'm leaving this part of my life to You for now.

17. worst year experienced, in terms of financial standings.
> earning meagre allowances, working most of the time, getting a lot of intangible benefits that i'd expected but barely sustaining the self on a daily basis.
> it sucks knowing you don't have that financial security and convenience to buy things as you like.
> am taking the experience as a kind of volunteering / philantrophy for the university. can't really pay endowment to you at this point of time anyway.
> yeap. am stupid. but i'll be having the last laugh, connection, experience and specialty wise. heh.

18. best year experienced, in terms of professional development.
> my bosses are the best to work around.
> never know the boss is so supportive of my work / development.
> it just goes to show gen X-es are cool. that coolness will be gone if they start talking about... say, how us gen Y-es are a pain at the backside, fashion / thinking / action wise. XD

19. walked. intensely.
> room to library and back. room to cafeteria and back. room to office and back.
> to shoe makers out there: i can be your tester. i walked on average 60 mins / day. do get in touch with me for any shoe durability testing, thanks :)

20. the "other half" is still a no-show till now.
> ok God. this is another part of my life that needs Your miracle. let that fella show up, please?

21. 2 papers presented in an international conference, 9 abstracts accepted for presentation in and out of the country.
> hurray for the first part, oh-i'm-so-going-to-die for the second part.

22. kinda understand, to a certain extend, who i am at this point of time.
> blunt.
> learning to be point blank / direct in explaining something.
> hold grudges.
> am willing to severe a friendship if i can't see how it'll lead to / if all the person thinks of is a by-default Doria. even when it means losing someone whom i'm close to for years.
> scary determination level. as in, "once i start i'll never stop until i finish everything". yes, this affects my eating / sleeping / resting pattern.
> pretty extreme. oh wow.

23. lots of things that i once enjoyed has become some sort of a chore.
> movie marathons. socialising(!!!). groceries(if only someone could do that for me).
> am becoming a gen-X, as the days go by. must be hanging with the bosses too often to be gen-X-ed. *sigh*

24. gotten myself another scholarship. mybrain15, ministry of higher education. and co-published a book. ISBN 978-967-0334. :)

wth. 2 hrs for this blog post. seriously?
and happy (early) bday to the self. (will be hiding from internet for a few days' worth of down-time)

the little things

2011-07-18T23:24:00.000+08:00
little discoveries made these days.

#1: thinking while walking gets you to the destination faster. although the walk could land you in drains or made you trip over the root of a tree.

#2: being frank is a choice. just get ready for the consequences, since frankness is not a favourite virtue for the general population.

#3: as much as you look forward to enjoying the process of making things happen, it's those indicators and reports that matter at the end of the day.

#4: it takes a lot of strength, and a lot of bathroom trips, to not break down in front of people. and a simple "are you ok?" might ruin that facade.

#5: james earl jones: "one of the hardest things in life is having words your heart you can't utter.". true, very much.

Putting the faith of Malaysia in the hands of the people?

2011-07-09T01:17:00.004+08:00
09/07/2011, the yellow march on fair elections that has made headlines around the world will begin.
(Update: my blog theme has been yellow in colour and will remain yellow until I've had the mood to change into a better Blogger template. Please don't be smart and interpret it as Bersih-supporting. FYI the template's meant to be for simplistic portfolio display style blogs in the first place)

I followed with interest as friends and fellow Malaysians are voicing out their concerns and support in the weeks building up to today's rally.

A conversation I've had with Aimin on Thur afternoon: (sound something like the following)
Me: Are you joining the march on Sat?
Aimin: Yes.
Me: I don't see the point in marching. I mean, discussing it in a proper way might be better. And the gov's way of handling the march are rather messy...
Aimin: But if we don't march, things will not change...

As much as I agree with Aimin, I think we should still stay away from street protests. I may be jahil or foolish of not knowing my rights and current issues. But my stand, in not joining the march, are the following:

1) It's not our culture to begin with. Why start now?

2) The fact that the King has spoken, and even had an audience with Datuk Ambiga shows that someone's listening. And the fact that the EC Chief agrees to discuss things over (after much pressure) shows that things are still... bendable, in a way.

3) Emotions running wild on the streets. While the general marchers are set on showing the world we need fairer elections, some twisted minds are mixing and blurring the agenda with... let's start with racial issues. And some political issues too. I'm just genuinely worried about the peace and the safety of the people on the streets. God knows if there'll be bloodshed today. No more 13 May 1969 please.

4) There's no just electoral system in the world. True enough, the electoral regulations may need updating, especially in automatic voter registration and cleaning electoral rolls off dead voters, but in terms of fair elections, you can't guarantee 100% just with our current gov system and constitution. My point is that I live based on Rukun Negara and the Constitution, and if Penang, Perak, Selangor and Kelantan falling in the hands of opposition parties during the last election, the same system will allow more states to go to the other side during the next election, if the rakyat play the cards right.

5) The bigger picture is working on getting Malaysia forward. We're losing steam in economic growth, and Malaysians are going out at an alarming rate for greener pastures. I admire how PEMANDU and other gov agencies are working hard and persevering through despite receiving cold shoulders from the rakyat . My point is that should we focus on bigger and more pressing needs rather than one electoral reform that isn't going to happen / will happen, but will take a very long time to happen.

While my faith in the current gov is dwindling, I am optimistic that things will turn for the best, albeit the longer duration.

While I yearn for a change in how things are working at the moment, I understand that street protests won't bring me anywhere near to my ideal view of how things should work.

However, I admire those who work so hard in making Bersih 2.0 happen. At least the mere concept of it brings people from all walks of life united for a cause, something the gov should learn and reflect on, after failing at this course 1,000 days after March 2008 general elections.

I also admire how the movement places the gov in a spot, in terms of mishandling of the proposed rally. Truly the present gov never expected responses on such magnitude to happen. A knee-jerk reaction gone really bad. XD

To the marchers: take care. Stay safe. Remember what's the one point of having that march in the first place.
To the Malaysian gov: handle the aftermath well. Act on it. Or you won't be seeing better days during the next general elections.

Hm. Should stop talking by now. After all, the last thing that I want is to add negativity in an already negative environment.

Early b/day celebration

2011-06-29T22:48:00.000+08:00
Pamela, an acquaintance I'd come to know of during the old AIESEC days, posted this link on Facebook earlier on. Was fortunate enough to came across it through the news feed.

I read it a few times, just to make sure I understand the messages that the authors are trying to put across.
The first statement that came across the mind after the reading is, "This is a very good birthday present for the self!"

And so, on a cold, quiet night (well, it's very warm but somehow I feel very cold), reading the link for the n-th time, I'd wish myself happy birthday, 30+ days earlier that I should be.

A side story, still relevant to the big picture: Met Fadli, Ke Xin and Atikah in Pavilion yesterday for dinner. It's short and sweet, and was a much-needed addition to a routine and anti-social thoughts I've had over the past 2 months.

Much of our conversation focused on updates and typical banters friends have with each other.
It's obvious that everyone moved on with their lives, and as Bono sang this vid over here,

... we're still coming to terms on what we really want in life.

Fadli sent me to LRT to catch a bus home.
The conversation continued on.
I can't recall the conclusion (was pretty wasted with all the running), but there's this splitting moment when I realised the pace of life you've had is insignificant, as long as you're moving and knowing where you're suppose to go at the end of the day.

Back to the link earlier.

25-ish is the time of everyone's lives.
You know you're heading somewhere / doing something, and you have that leeway in failing, making a 360 degree turn or stop to enjoy life's basic and precious moments before things go permanent / flashes away before your eyes.
And it's a good way to cultivate habits that would benefit you physically, mentally and spiritually - good prep to hit the next round of 25 better years? :)

The link is a calling, so to speak.
I should stop whining and the constant comparison between myself and... some people.
Counting blessings: it's something I didn't do for a long time. Time to start, no matter how small it may seem.
I must go on at least 1 round of internship abroad in Europe, try my hands at interning in UN Bangkok, and stalk AirAsia sales for tics back home... Shame on me to go back only during the festive seasons, when I can just swing by during the weekend.
Friends come and go. Keep the ones that matter most, wish those that went away well, and find more that brings that smile to your face... 'the one', maybe? :)

And I should really start appreciating those small moments with the bosses - moments when they indirectly dispense of valuable life lessons.

The big 25. Coming soon, and I can't wait to see what lies beyond the numbers. Bring it on!

firewall

2011-06-26T12:06:00.001+08:00
firewall: a part of a computer system or network that is designed to block unauthorized access while permitting outward communication.

made a rather surprising realisation, over 3-in-1 coffee and late night thoughts: i've been building my own version of firewall on people around me, even friends and family members.

trust is even harder to find, as time goes by and the need to rely on someone / some group of people arises.

you know it's getting heavier when you are filtering your words and emotions to even the closest of friends and family members.

i'd even considered deactivating fb and twitter account, as frankly speaking, it's every man for himself, and am just tired of fitting into the conversations and the social groups, because i don't have what these conversations / social groups are looking for.

it sucks knowing my only function in these social groups is similar to that of a helpline for a product: you don't really need it, but you know the helpline's there for you always.

Norah Jones (HQ) - One Flight Down

2011-06-24T00:18:00.000+08:00
currently looping on the playlist.
in the silence of the night, a cup of 3-in-1 old town white coffee and a paper to be finished in 6 hrs.

the cadence rolls in broken, plays it over and then goes.

maybe the rhythm shouldn't be modulated in the first place.

RSA Animate - The Secret Powers of Time

2011-06-18T14:29:00.001+08:00
the generalisation about vid games may be a bit off thou, but prof zimbardo has a pt: technology made us a tad bit impatient in getting what we want, fast.
and qs raised about m'sia: are we future oriented, or we're past +ve/-ve ppl? what's our pace of time? (suppose we're going high-income by 2020)

"many of live's puzzles can be solved by simply understanding our own time perspective and that of others."

"what's next?"

2011-06-11T09:51:00.001+08:00
"what's next?" is a by-default question following a lot of my thoughts and actions lately.
continuity, as opposed to maturity is the catch phrase of the day.
it's like "learn-how-to-drive-in-5-mins" way of evaluating what you're doing is worth the effort or not.

spent the better part of the week in kl / putrajaya for presentations and meetings.
"what's next?", in these occasions are important, required and something that distinguishes you from your peers.

but "what's next?" can be a dangerous question that would break you.

like this vid over here.

ask wisely, at the right time. lol

filtered.

2011-05-30T23:08:00.000+08:00
you're everywhere i click, everywhere i look, every update i read.

it's hard to be yourself when you're watching, and i don't like being watched.

thank you, malaysia!

2011-05-27T14:37:00.000+08:00

connection

2011-05-25T16:17:00.000+08:00
it's amazing how a conversation with debby (online conversation even) can trigger so much motivation, a paper which i'm stuck at since friday is finished... finally, last night.

and it scares me how little connection i've made this year, with people that i call "friends".

it's not you... it's me.

done.

2011-05-23T01:02:00.001+08:00
you know what?
i'm done being the good one around.

it doesn't feel good to be the one going wholehearted in a connection, then being stereotyped, isolated and eventually left out.
it's my fault, i'm the rotten apple, i can't please you.
but changing your perception on me? i won't do it.
i'm tired of giving justifications, and since you're the one who tuned me out, allow me to return the favor.

the sincerity and trust i'd poured in to you, when there's not much available in the first place? wasted.

as much as i want to say 'i hate you' face-to-face, i know my limits.
i'll archive the so called kenangan terindah with you.
am an organiser with good credentials, and you know it pretty well, don't you?

goodbye, adios, you won't be missed.

[Book Review] Renewable happiness, anyone?

2011-05-20T21:12:00.001+08:00
Just finished reading "The Geography of Bliss" by Eric Weiner. It might be the first non-work / non-academic related book which I'd finished, cover to cover, of the year.

Shame, shame.

Some thoughts about the book:

#1: The book serves better purpose as a travelogue than a non-fiction giving a 101 on happiness. I envy Eric and his plane-hopping, globe-trotting adventures to 10 countries around the world. Well -- 9, excluding his own America.
cue "everything is good in America" theme song / TV show.

It's rather fun to learn that Switzerland prides on its chocolate and organised nature, Qatar is bleeding money every second of the day, Bhutan places happiness on top of everything else, it would be fun to try surviving India (Idayu! *jealous*) , as a former nation under the Commonwealth of Nations, it is harus (obligated) to visit Britain and experience living as Brits....

Got to admit though, I missed Bangkok's mai pen lai (never mind) attitude. And the smiles. -.- Eric's description of Thailand in the book is rather... spot on. Finally -- a chapter that describes how I feel about the Thais.

#2: Eric's adventures is proof that there's no universal recipe for happiness. Too much variables in play:
Developed / developing / forgotten ~~cue Moldova~~ country,
high / low / leader-determined GDP ~~cue Bhutan~~,
lush land / mountain top / ice land / desert ~~cue Qatar~~,
religious / atheist / "I'm alive, that's all that matters",
emotions worn on sleeve / polite and layered feedback / one-emotion-fits-all ~~cue Moldova~~ ,
barely survive / average spending power / too much money ~~cue Qatar~~,
....

Happiness is demographic-based, culture-based and nation-based.
And the only similarity of it all is: happiness is collective.
So that's what the human in humanity means.

#3: Say, what/where is my happiness and how can I claim my own happiness?
For now, I'm contented with my "Renewable happiness" theory.
How can Barney in 'How I Met Your Mother' come out with so many theories to define relationship?

This "Renewable happiness" is not an attempt to jump on the "green" bandwagon that everyone laps on so much these days -- instead, it is derived from the fact that everything is so uncertain and temporary, why bother fixing a passion / service / item as your source of happiness?

The general view goes, if something is making you happy, try it once or twice, or a few times but never stick to said thing forever. No dependency, no strings attached. As long as that perceived feeling of delight exist, try everything, 'cause the clock's ticking.

Ha. I see loopholes in the theory, which can go down in defense sessions with any Tom, Dick and Harry, anytime.
I just figured that your source of happiness evolves with
1) time
2) who you're hanging out with
3) how do you identify yourself
4) your age, and
5) where you are located, at a given point of time.

Ok. Time to continue writing.
At this point of time, happiness means getting a publication in a journal with good impact factor. I want to graduate, fast... So I can bring perceived happiness to parents and try being a good daughter, for once, in the eyes of my relatives

new room, same block, different discoveries

2011-05-14T22:30:00.000+08:00
it's the last week of the semester.
people are clearing out rooms, and parents are bringing the kids and their stuff home.

went to the admin office of the college to check whether 1) i can rent a room during the holidays and 2) if i am allowed to do so, should i move out of my room, since my wing is rather secluded during the holidays.

the responses: 1) yeap, room rental's about 526.5myr in total and 2) yeap, i need to move to the centre section of my block, and am granted a single room (yeay!)

so there goes 4 hrs of non-stop cleaning, packing and relocating, from one wing to another wing, from one floor (down) to another floor (up).

some observations:
1) the amount of stuff one accumulates over a period of time. surprising indeed.
2) also, the amount of rubbish one accumulates over a period of time. (why did i keep those shoe boxes in the first place?!)
3) i looked back at the records on work i've done over the past 1 year. the work we've done (re: office work) surprises me. (we did these?!! really?)
4) i insist on being down to earth and all, since all that's good is from the One above; but looking at the work done, am glad i'm learning and improving along the way. constantly.
5) surprisingly, i keep all receipts for various transactions. spent the most time in jusco tmn u, eat out the most in sushi king, splurge on starbucks the most (with fewer frequencies this year), frequent user of public transport. something's bothering me: what was i doing in starbucks, in all the 10++ trips last october?
6) gotta diversify the colour of the wardrobe. black, grey, white, stripes.. ok that's all. pretty monotone! -.-
7) my research record needs padding up. in other words, gotta work hard for own research :-[

if one steps into the room and look at the stuffs without meeting me first, the probable responses would be: schematic, organised, monotonous, has a soft spot which can be manipulated, if you know your way around(the toys will give this away).

for an adrenaline junkie, my room's pretty... toned down.
ha.

moving on

2011-05-09T22:58:00.002+08:00
am currently in station 1 with ex-team mates of malaysia leadership development seminar / kaleidoscope. simyen, faye, yeekhai, kaihua, sayvoon and weisiang are playing cards, while i played with faye's mac, fumbling with the commands but excited at the chance to tryout on a mac.

no wonder apple is the most valuable brand in the world!!

it's the last week of the semester.
these kids are moving on, alright. each of them has their own plans, and while the future is not-so-certain (especially for those who are finding jobs), they are moving on with their lives.

how wonderful it seemed.

i guess when it comes to 'heading for the future', barney stinson's (from 'how i met your mother') rule applies. you don't think too much... you do.
after all, where's the excitement, if things are solid and well laid-out in front of you?

i wouldn't want to live day-in and day-out w/out some challenges thrown to the face.
life should be in technicolor, not some black-and-white ancient film. lol

on another note.
looking at the online news portals, i don't understand why some people can't move on.
especially holier-than-thou leaders / politicians / individuals.
if your job scope, as a leader is to serve the people -- does it matter which race you're representing?
if your ID is a blue ID called MyKad -- why can't you identify yourself as a 'malaysian' first, then your race?
and if the gov decided to remove subsidies (with the recent one being sugar subsidy) -- yeah, our belts will be tightened further, but it wouldn't hurt to see the $ goes to some other sectors... like development?

move on la.
the world doesn't go round the orbit that you set.
you're sharing the space and the air that you breathe.
collaborate vs compete, perish vs prosper.

alamak. doria thinking too much d.
and i thought all the thinking this afternoon would wear me off. >.< lol

breathe!

2011-05-07T22:08:00.000+08:00
this morning, i went to library to get some additional info on research.
i searched, skimmed through result list and d/load what i need to read further.

it feels like the heart did multiple, consecutive somersaults as i read through the d/loaded materials.
"oh! i didn't cover this in my reading."
"wait a min... how could i missed it?"
" (some swear words) !!! not this one too?!"

i've got to admit, that moment of realisation, which happened at a corner of the library, was more dramatic in the mind, as compared to the composure i'd tried to kept.
it was so hard to keep the tears away from prying eyes.
especially in a library full of international students, who are keeping an eye on you, with that "hey! you sitting alone at the library again?" whenever you walked past them in campus.

there's got to be a way to keep me on the track.
need to graduate fast. need to start feeding mouths back home, and not becoming a burden for the family. need to start a career.

by the looks of things, i'm neither here nor there.
it's not a good sight, you know. when your fellow peers are moving on with their lives, having either a stable job, studies (yeekhai), relationship, two (or three) of the options mentioned.

i didn't realise how stressed i am until the conversation with ann otw for lunch. the tears (just a few drops) slowly dissipating, in the hot weather, as i described my progress, following ann's question of "how was your studies?"

am i doing the right thing at the moment? or should i even bother with the question, since i'm suppose to be doing things right?

*sigh*

you know what's a good therapy at the moment? going mia.

slow loading. what gives?

2011-05-06T20:44:00.001+08:00
well, maybe i'm just worrying too much. am a girl, and studies do back this up a bit. lol

feels like i'm moving very slowly in work. this is not my speed, at all.
a paper took 2 weeks to finish. 2 weeks!
well, that includes ~~extra work~~ distractions that comes along the way. and trips to penang and melaka in between.
i recall finishing a paper (the accepted paper for a conference in turkey) in 2 days, tops.

why the extra slow speed in writing?

maybe i should find something to excite / motivate the self.
and must make a point to find it fast.

meanwhile: ask me about 'philanthropy in work'. i can give you a free 10-min lecture / debate in this topic, since i'm at the receiving end. lol

malaysia, i'm not leaving you anytime soon. promise.

2011-05-02T22:13:00.000+08:00
was actually thinking of doing a blog post on a recent 'dino trip' to melaka, but stop short after reading the brain drain report on world bank website

dear malaysia.

i'm going through the 'i hate you's more often past 2 weeks.
the things that your people do or say put you on the spot for the wrong reasons.
some of your leaders are simply... wrapped up in their own ideals to see what's really happening in the country.
and the people -- the income and racial parity are getting wider and worrying, in a global environment where access and equity are meant for all.

in short, you've got a malignant future, and people are slowly looking elsewhere for hope and their lifelong dreams.
like the no. of malaysians going abroad, as reported in the recent economic monitor report by the world bank.

it's shocking to see the % of malaysians 'unsure' whether they will come back in the future.
and putting the no. and % of malaysians in singapore in context says a lot on how we measure against our neighbour.

wake up, dear.
sex vids, effiminacy, politicians claiming the darnest things... these are minor stuff, on the level of tabloids and trashy mags not worth time processing cognitively.
the report summarises who you are at the moment, and if we work together, we can change that.

you'll have my word that i'm sticking around for you.
however corrupted you may be, you're still the one to me.
the family and friends, the food, the sights and sounds, the colours of the people, the languages... what i like about you, i can go on day and night.
and the last thing i'd do is leaving you when you need me most.

my silent prayer goes to you, my dear.

doria

fine.

2011-04-25T13:41:00.000+08:00
someone just stirred my emotions so bad, i lost my chain of thoughts for a paper. urgh

i rarely initiate meetups with friends. not that i have many of them, to begin with.
the truth is, i found social gatherings awkward.
i don't trust people with my feelings, after being hurt by the ones i trusted most (with the feelings) numerous times.
once bitten, twice shy, and three time's an idiot if you don't learn enough.

i'm willing to have endless papers / articles / paperwork thrown at me than going for frequent social gatherings, like what some people are known of doing.
and i cherish the few gatherings i have, as sporadic as it is.

it's hurting enough if you saw invitations to social gatherings but you're not included as an invited guest.
it's even more hurting if you're finally found that courage to initiate a meetup, but there's nobody taking up the offer at the end of the day.

the deepest wound of all: being remembered for someone who can help you, but not being remembered for someone who's just need a bit of poking (at the social wheel, if there's one) to be cheerful, motivated again.

i'm whining, and i'm aware of it.
but when you just need a familiar face / sound to be there when you need them most (excluding the family members in this context), and it's not there, that's a blow to the self, and a reevaluation of your worth (among friends).

fine.
i guess solo's the way to go now.

will be waiting for you to call, when you need help.

the morning after

2011-04-17T11:34:00.002+08:00
by now, the news should have reached every nook and cranny of the country: the ruling gov stays with 55 out of 71 seats, the head of state has sworn in, and the attention has now switched to the looming GE and how would the state legislative adapt to the increased number of opposition in the community.

sarawak is no longer the fixed deposit of the country, and neither is shoving benefits down voters' throat during campaigning period to gain votes.

politics is not my turf, and will never be mine in the future.
but some take-home points i've come to learn, in the days leading to the election:

#1: our duties, as a commoner, is to exercise our role as a voter, have a vision on what (and how) we want our constituent to be, and participate in making that happen.

#2: sentiment is politics and politics is persuasiveness. you've got to wait till everything sinks in before you are able to decide what's best for you.

#3: there's a time for everything. just be mindful of the time limit. too much of something is bad, at the end of the day.

#4: for any administrator / leader out there, three key questions to ask before all the talking and persuading: 1)'does it work?' 2) 'can i work it out?' 3) 'are the people behind me on this?'. more often than not, we left these questions unanswered. or in some cases, forgot to even ask.

#5: (con't fr #4)... and for any follower / subordinate out there, one key question to ask before following through: can i work it with my leader?

#6: when everything's over, don't ask 'what's next?' -- instead, look at 'how to make this work?'... it's useless to dwell over what'd happened but to make what happened work for your behalf.

i'd come to like the fanfare in sarawak, seriously.
this is one of those moments when the people at the peninsular actually take notice of this state and its uniqueness.
how else would you get people to google about exotic locations in sarawak e.g bengoh, lingga and krian?
and o.m.g the big guns making its way to sarawak!

the fanfare also brings some ubah, or change, much lauded by the opposition.
sarawak will never be the same again, as she is being introduced to the rough, vocal and antics that comes along with the people.

my take on the result?
some things change for the better. (e.g. the heavy loss by supp. wakey-wakey time for the chinese leaders in sarawak!)
some things will never change. (e.g. our chief minister is still going strong, the bumiputera community heavily backing up the ruling government)
for the winners, buck up or we're going the other way.
for the losing camp, it's not the end. people made their point loud and clear. time to change, or at least spin better persuasive points, no?

the end of this election also marks the end of my short break.
going back tomorrow night for a few days' of traveling in putrajaya.
can't wait!
time to learn something new from all the awesome people out there.
and push forward my research a little bit. 10 mm pun jadi lah.

will be missing home very much.
i'd fallen in dreamless sleep for the past few days.
sleep that is induced by sheer pleasure of reading on the bed, gently dozing off in the middle of some narnian adventures with the pensives.

gotta buck up on work / research. heh

break time?

2011-04-14T12:03:00.000+08:00
the pace may be slower, the routine's changed, the air's definitely fresher and the sun's shining one hour earlier than the already accustomed jb-bioclock.

lol.

but one thing remain unchanged though:
i'm still in front of the laptop.

reached sibu last night. showered, dinner, manja2 with mom for a while -- before doing the unthinkable (in mom's opinion): changing my AirAsia flight fr wed night to mon night.
reason: a presentation and a workshop in putrajaya.

hence cutting the already short holidays shorter.

not complaining though. found this a start to something even more exciting and challenging ahead.

going to make the break last.
at least i have constant meal times, play time with pooh (missing this toy and him), the AC unit on full blast, and fresh, nice sibu air.

later. want to finish my 'chronicles of narnia' today, then 1 proposal and 1 presentation.
and maybe think about the papers to be written.

(hurray! paper no.4 in the bag, reaching my 2011 target of 5 soon!)

late night thoughts

2011-04-10T01:30:00.001+08:00
#1:
to sleep early or not, that's a questionable thought.

#2:
great job staying strong in front of people.
buy more tissues for those crying-in-the-room moments.

#3:
the calendar is filling in fast and good.
the conversations that matter most are getting lesser by the day.
even stringing sentences out of work context are getting harder by the day.

#4:
must. prove own's worth.
should. work harder than before.
will. leave a mark and contribute to utm, and higher education in general.
may. sacrifice.
need. to feel loved. and hugs.

#5:
there's something wrong with my photoshop cs4.

South Integrated Transport Terminal

2011-04-03T13:56:00.000+08:00
If anyone ever asks, "When was the last time you feel proud to be a Malaysian?", I would've answered "02/04/2011, at the South Integrated Transport Terminal".

Allow me to explain.

For those traveling on bus, we've had the experience of traveling to Pudu bus terminal (note: packed, small space, noisy, super jam area) and Bukit Jalil bus terminal (note: spacious but no roofing for adverse weather conditions, long walk from LRT) for the past 3 to 4 years.

These bus terminals have served us well.
But there's got to be more than simply putting express buses, ticketing counters and basic facilities together, not to mention the unpleasant experiences along the way e.g. ticket touts who harass you, rubbish strewn across the floor, smelly and dirty washrooms etc.

The South Integrated Transport Terminal (http://goo.gl/MLisB) proves to be a different experience altogether.

The +ve points of this terminal?
1) All transit transport mode located in one area: the terminal is within walking distance from the LRT, the ERL and the KTM

2) Organised and systematic ticketing system
- a big computerised display showcases departure / arrival times, vehicle number, destination, status of service
- all ticketing is computerised; show your ID (MyKad), mention the location and / or bus company, time of departure to the ticketing staff and you'll be having a print-out of your ticket, with your name and all necessary details of your journey

3) Smooth "check-in" and loading time at departure gates
- go to designated departure gates, show your ticket to the staff (of which the ticket will be scanned), then either wait for your bus at the departure gate or get on to your bus

4) clean, comfortable, clear sign boards for location

5) basic facilities covered with a difference (from the ones you've expected to have in a bus terminal)
- clean washrooms, prayer rooms
- soon to be opened 1st class lounge (although I wonder what constitute a 1st class lounge eligibility for express bus travelers)
- coupon system for food court
- ATMs located at both ground floor (where the ticketing counters are) and 1st floor (where the food court is located)
- Starbucks, Wendy's, Kenny Rogers, KFC... Starbucks is a "basic facility" for me, at least :)
- Wifi services (yeap)

I've had great experience in this terminal. From arriving at the Tasik Selatan LRT station to purchasing last-min ticket, to going on board the bus -- the whole experience took less than 15 mins.

Coming back to feeling proud to be Malaysian at this terminal.
With all the political bickerings, speculations, Datuk Ts and what nots, I'm getting a tad bit weary of the country.
We're concentrating our focus at the wrong places (sex vids are private, so what if there's a free show? It's still private stuff), we can go as low as playing the moral cards just to say "Vote for me!", and our trusted (??) politicians are saying the darndest things anywhere and anytime they fancy.
Bile la nak maju nih? Perkara2 mcm ni pun nak dibesar gajahkan.

This terminal is a reassurance that some leaders still have the country in mind, and would go to great lengths to ensure the best for the people.

This terminal is also a testament to the country's aim of becoming a knowledge-driven society within the next 10 years.
A lot of normal procedures have been value added, as seen through this terminal.
The ticketing staffs are wearing proper uniforms and are presentable. The computerised systems for ticketing requires the staff to undergo proper training. The way the staff handles queries, provides guidance and direction requires the staff to have 'customer 1st' mindset, concentrating on having the best experience for the customers.

This is the "small hours" of k-economy transformation: innovation in conventional practices.

Some things can still be improved on though. Like baggage holding areas for travelers (don't see it around in this terminal), baggage racks in washrooms, proper direction / sign boards for ticketing counters (you need to walk further up to find more ticketing counters from established express bus services e.g. transnational).

This place has just been opened. So it still needs time to grow. I'd say, within the next 3 months, my experience will definitely be better than yesterday.

Looking forward to it :) All the best for South Integrated Transport Terminal!

self contentment? i'd say 50-50

2011-03-27T18:36:00.001+08:00
my feet are sore from all the walking and running, on heels.
my head is spinning, my body is aching all over for no particular reasons, and i can only think of the bed, my toys and a very dark room (made possible, in daylight, by putting a pillow over the head).
i can't sleep for more than 4 hrs w/o waking up intermittently.

in short, i feel unwell, my mood's going up and down, and i am trying to find the motivation to start working again, with some work piling up and a report waiting to be submitted to the faculty.

i had the privilege of being part of the organising team for utm university presidents forum 2011 on 25/03/2011. this is what i'd been working on for the past 2 months - it's reliving the mylds 2010 experience all over again, except
1) i was operating independently, most of the time
2) there are more variables to thread on e.g. pejabat harta bina, hal ehwal korporat, hotel staff etc
3) the stakes are higher in delegate management as i'm dealing with top uni admins

i had to be frank here.
as much as i like the learning experience, i don't find my performance satisfactory.
i mishandled cases, i miscalculated on tasks with urgent time lines, i was multitasking without emphasising on the quality.

the postmortem done while lying on the bed, sore from event management is intriguing.
so many "could have"s, "must have"s, "should not"s, "should be"s.
and in the midst of things, i have a role to play.

and as much as i am giving myself a hard time on the evaluation, i had to give myself a pat on the back.
how many students have the opportunity to run a show, on this magnitude?
not to mention the level of trust given to handle such significant event?
boss's "tier 5" comment really gets to me.
am i really that good? or they just had little exposure on students that are much, much better than me, outside?

i'm just afraid that i won't have such trusts given to me in the future, with the mess-ups that i'd done throughout the event.

this is one of the moments when i don't need verbal affirmation on my capabilities, but more tasks -- challenging, stimulating and brain-cracking tasks that would push my limit even more, and prove that i do have what it takes to be successful.

gotta run. yeekhai coming in 20 mins for dinner, and i haven't even showered. lol

HK

2011-03-13T19:35:00.000+08:00
The hashtag: #gg2011.
Google search engine: Going Global 2011, or if you want to go to the direct source, just click here for more info.

I was in Hong Kong from Wed (09/03) to this morning (13/03) for Going Global 2011, a conference organised by the British Council on higher education.
It was my first academic conference abroad (attending full sessions for that matter, rather than this conference here, where I was on duty most of the time).

In short, it's the best exposure on my current pursuit / postgrad research. I wish I'd the space to sit and reflect on the experience, but I have 30 more mins before checking in (flight KL-JB), and I'm occupied with some other things in mind to be able to fully reflect on the learning I'd experienced throughout the conference.

Will definitely write again, once the mind and schedule is cleared.

In case you're wondering: NO. I didn't do much sight seeing, unfortunately.

?

2011-03-11T19:44:00.000+08:00
1st day conf ended. doubting self. can i really do it? the crowd is making me feeling insecure. my research seems harder than i thought.

Key questions, avoided

2011-03-05T00:24:00.001+08:00

I attended "unEconomics" (http://goo.gl/75fd3) a lecture session in NTU yesterday. Got the info from Faruq, who forwarded the invitation to me end of last month.

Note to self: for any upcoming lecture series attended, I'd better pick more reliable transport. Waited for public bus for more than 1.5 hours before giving up and sharing a cab with Chandra, a Masters in TESL student from Riau. Real cool guy, had the first interesting conversation of the week... But that's another story, for another day.

Back to "unEconomics". It was beyond expectations. I was there with the conventional lecture-QnA concept in mind. Well, I guess I've got to eat my words for now. The speaker lineup was amazing; it was a balanced blend between the academia, the industry as well as the 'people's people' (Member of Parliament). The refreshment line-up too! Sushi served for a lecture session -- you won't get that in UTM; the most you'll get would be extra sweet tea / coffee, some kuih(s) and the normal fried vermicelli / noodle package.

I enjoyed 2 of the speaker session very much, for the input that they'd presented in their session. Prof Wang Gungwu introduced me to the new concept of 'Nalanda' (http://goo.gl/VyaYb), one of the oldest knowledge cities in the world, with an ancient university built on the Buddhist's interpretation of openness to, and insatiable drive to seek knowledge. Prof Wang was very passionate with reliving the heydays of Nalanda -- his animated explanations (not to mention his tone of explaining the concept) is very much story-telling style; it was a captivating presentation indeed.

Mr Hsieh Tsunyan's session, on the other hand, is a slap to the face. I came rather late for his session, but managed to catch a few key messages presented:
1) do you really know who you are or you're defining yourself based on people's definition of who you are?
2) why play on the safe route when you can live in the risk?
3) face your fear.

*bleep* (hint: it started with the letter 'F'). The questions are just what I'd been trying to avoid all along. Key messages 2 and 3, especially, after wrapping up February with confusion, hesitation and a lack of confidence in the future.

Work's piling up. Time is running short.
Expectations are high, especially my expectations towards the self.
I learned the truth the hard way: in all relationships, personal or professional, it's transactional, conditional and individual.
I thought I can trust on people for reassurance / recognition, but nope. The transactional, conditional and individual aspects of the relationship matters more, at the end of the day.

I'm defining myself as
1) a daughter, a servant of God
2) a PhD candidate
3) a temp staff at (office name here),

... but I wonder if I can live up to the definition, at this point of time. Or finding 4), 5), 6) etc -- what are the other things that can define who I am, for that matter.

And I wonder till when I would avoid answering all 3 questions.

Pop goes the weasel!

2011-02-24T07:19:00.000+08:00
Was thinking of writing a blog post, using the title above.
So I checked on Google to confirm the definition, before actually using it.

Didn't expect to read this and this, not to mention this, on Google.
And I was actually being reminded of a book I've read, using the same title above.

This video over here, is an even bigger distraction.

The following is what happened, if you spend time on Google, for just 0.14 seconds (summarizing it in 140 words):

It means that the *something* I want to blog is simply... minor / mediocre / not significant.
Or, like any Gen-Y-ers out there, my attention span can be downgraded in 0.14 seconds (see characteristics describing Gen-Y working / training styles here, here, here and here).

Oh well.
Off to library and office for now.

Postgrad thought #1

2011-02-09T02:48:00.001+08:00
It's 2.30a, the world is so quiet (and cold from the rain earlier on), yet I'm still in front of the laptop, typing away.

A tip in the 'How to write a journal paper' file I've downloaded reads: "There's no way to get experience except through experience".
I'm definitely experiencing it, alright. -____-

It's the third draft of a journal paper.
Over the past 3 weeks, I've gone from happily typing away the supposed points for each paragraph, to deleting the whole file off the system, in three different cycles.
The cycles are major contributions towards the mood instability and depression -- it sucks feeling on top of the world for a moment, then crashing down six feet under the next moment (the emotions! of course!).

Anyways.
6 hours of typing and I've managed 3 pages. 3 pages!
It's a good (third time) start though.
I see where the story line goes. I think lah.
I also see what's the main problem with the previous drafts: I aim too high, write too long, and think too little.

Hopefully this draft will not go to waste. *crossing fingers*

Endnote (no pun intended): For those aspiring to be postgrad students, especially in research:
#1: you need lots of motivation. LOTS of it, else you'll drift very far away.
#2: what works with a recommendation in reference book / a researcher  may not work for you. you've got to find your own way, your own style... within the right framework! E.g. I found myself work better writing the abstract first, then proceeding with the content of the journal paper, rather than starting with the content and ending with the abstract.
#3: don't rely on coffee. it doesn't work! don't even think of red bull. -__-

Losing iPod touch

2011-02-06T19:45:00.001+08:00

What better way to mourn the loss through this song. Classic tune from Sinead O'Connor.

Yeap, my best of buddy is gone. Lost it on Feb 1, 9+p approx in a cab. Didn't realise it slipped out of my pocket as I took off my earphones to give the cab driver proper direction in UTM.

The name of the iPod touch is 'Doria's ipod', and its serial numbe ris 1A031KBY75J.
Wherever you are, I'm missing you so much.
And to the person holding that iPod touch, enjoy your new found wealth. ~~Although you could have sent it over on the contact listed / spam my Gmail with 'Hey, I've got your iPod touch' / leave a message on my FB / Twitter with the same message.~~

Atikah lost hers once last year, and her words, not to mention silent support are a consolation indeed.

The iPod touch is one possession that I'm proud of, simply because I bought it using my hard-earned allowance from working in a research project. Mom will never pamper her daughter with such luxury, and it took me quite some time to decide that an overpriced media player is a way to splurge.

Go on, ask Sim / Wei Siang about the time I purchased the iPod touch in their company.
The glee and the unspoken joy on the face, as described by Sim, during the times when we reminiscent about the purchase of that iPod touch.

It's a silent companion as well. The games, the reminders, the contact listings, the one-step-closer approach to my own religion (the installed Quran and Tasbih apps, and the moments reading them while waiting for bus, made me feel slightly closer to God), and the most important function of all -- music.

Looping my favourite tunes again and again (I've hit a record of 279 replays on one particular song), plugging in that earphone in office, minding my own business while drowning out conversations not meant to be listened to from the bosses, Wifi-ing during those boring moments on duty / waiting for meeting at Wifi-enabled locations...

It feels so different w/o the best friend around you. Especially in current consequences, where loneliness accompanies me to the office, library, room, anywhere and everywhere in between.

It's the one machine that ever come close to an iPhone / PDA, at least in my current financial condition.
The iPod touch is not just my personal media player -- it's bits and pieces of Doria, through the apps I used and updated.

Ah. I'd finally been able to pen this down, after grieving throughout CNY, refusing the only CNY invitation I've had from Roseline to spend CNY together at her place.

I'm diverting the measly RM 200++ I've saved for a Tickle Me Elmo past one month to a new iPod touch fund. Will get one, latest by Aug this year (last date: Aug 1). Can't bear to be iPod touch - less any longer than that. And am looking at options to add security to this new iPod touch, either engraving my name and contact numbers at the back, or insuring it, or installing apps that enabled tracking of the iPod touch (iHound?), or... what the heck, ALL of the above.

You there. Am getting you back, soon enough.

When taking a break is a rare commodity

2011-02-01T20:42:00.009+08:00

CNY. It's the season to be merry and to paint the whole town red, literally.
Not to mention, to feel the warmth of closed ones and friends around you.

It's T-2 days before CNY. The tiger's roar is getting less audible at this point of time, with the sounds of "Aww..." replacing the roars as the cute bunnies make their presence felt, in the year of the rabbit.

Mavin: Move away, tigger. It's showtime.
(Pic stolen from MyLDS FB page)

It's not the first time that I'd skipped being back at home for the celebrations. And yet I felt somewhat.... melancholic.

Some question my priority. ("You should have placed your booking a long time ago.")
Some doesn't seem to mind much after I eased their empathy by saying "It's not the first time, so.. I'm ok. "
Mummy's words, on the other hand, pierced the most. "It's nothing, you don't really have to go back."

I keep using this tagline when addressing queries from others:
"I can't get my tickets in time for a presentation on 8th Feb. So... I might as well not go back."

The truth is?
"Prioritizing" is a subjective term, and I don't give a damn on what the general population feel about "prioritizing" if I can't even prioritize my own life in the first place.
And it makes no difference where I am during this festive season, if I can't find where I belong.

I never knew I could use 'tired', 'demotivated', 'doubtful' and 'anxious' in the same sentence...
But yeah, I just did.

Life's going pretty well in January:
I'm a registered student (after borrowing some $ to pay off the debts to UTM).
I'm running a few projects together with people who are simply... awesome!
The challenges and stakes are higher, in terms of pushing my own limits / boundaries.
I am valued, by just contributing what I know of and share what I'd discovered with others.

But you know the feeling when people said, "Hey, you can do it!" and yet you know somehow, it'll be a stretch for you to even try? Yeah, that one.

I just want to have a break from everything and see the clouds go by for a few hours. Be a little silly and laugh at everything that you encounter along the way? Can I have some? (although it's unlikely to happen, looking at the "In" pile of work)

Heck, I'm not even sure if all of this make sense to you. So... yeah.

somehow, something... why?

2011-01-25T23:17:00.000+08:00
the motivation to finish work doesn't seem to be there these two days. yeap, i'm racing against the time; but the body just seemed too tired to continue after 9p and before 6a.

the heart, too.

somehow, something will always find a way to take away the passion / love i'd found.

why?

the meetings, the realisations, and uncertainty

2011-01-19T21:54:00.001+08:00
Quick posting.

There were two meetings that I'd attended today. On different topics, different job descriptions to be handled, different groups of people, different perspective.

#1: Wow. So this is how it feels to have meeting for the whole day.
And I thought being static for the whole day (e.g paper writing, which I've been doing for the past 1++ week), is patience-testing.

#2: Wow on the double -- let's just say the calendar will be full for the next 2 months, at least.
Will be helping out in a few major events of the office.
This brings flexibility, efficiency and quality work / sleep / (insert verb with regard to living) to a different level.
I'm not sure how I would juggle my own postgrad research with that of office projects and office researches, but I think I can.
I will go through this alive at the end of the day, not to mention experiencing more growth and learning opportunities.
Like what Dr Mas advised this morning, I'd just have to work extra hard.

#3: We used to comment on how one system works (or rather, comment on how inefficient a system could be). The fact remains that sometimes, we missed looking at the other side of the system. We are so wrapped up with 'What do I get?' or 'How fast can I get this?' without considering the process that the other side of the system had to go through, to get to us.
It takes just one step back to look into the other side and well... try to be a little bit considerate, accommodating and give-and-take, playing along the lines of reciprocal benefits.
This applies to all situations. Especially in project management and performance management.
Sometimes the angst / frustration clouds our judgement.
You can let that slip once in a while, but try as best as you can to look further.
You might see something that you'd never seen before.
Trust me.

#4: You want your team / event / organisation to function well? Never forget about your "anchors".
This is a new term that I'd learnt in the second meeting chaired by Dr Ariffin.
Anchor = your minions (Despicable Me cute minions? Hah) = your subordinates = your 'runners'.
Your survival (if you happen to be a leader) depends on them.
Use them well, but make sure you value them well too.

#5: I still can't master the art of small talk. *sigh* HOW?!!!

how are you feelin' today?

2011-01-12T22:21:00.000+08:00
ah. that classic (occasionally i found it annoying) shout-out.
10.05pm, in the library, digressing on some write-ups. the words in ms word are filling up, ~~1 page a day~~ however slow it could be.

am abit stressed up.
a mistake, which the RAs (yan, fadli and i) had missed out from the start, is to start writing journal articles, halfway through the research.
this is to allow us some time to ~~avoid doing major screw-ups on writing~~ cover as many data-mining as possible, while the research is still on its tracks.

my personal goal is to publish 5 papers this year, as promised here.
and if it's this hard to write even one, i think i'll be having more headaches for the next 12 months.

oh wait.
the endless streaks of migraine is already here. -___-

another one of my stress-point is a particular guideline i'm suppose to submit ~~as soon as possible~~ earliest by end of this month. generally, the framework is accepted; but i'd need some major work on restructuring the language to guideline-language (yes, there's such thing as language used for guidelines).

this is one of the moments when i'd regretted not learning the queen's language properly.

so how am i feeling today?
grey. darker shade. (the feeling of inadequacy + stinging migraine).

but one thing that i cannot afford, at this point of time, is giving up.
somehow, there WILL be two papers finished by the end of this week. and somehow, there WILL be a guideline to be presented by next week, to give some buffer time for modifications before 8 feb (another headache, another story.)

if i start complaining about my insignificant life, what about people in... say, Brisbane? Haiti?

If it's that simple to walk away, I would.

2011-01-09T16:16:00.001+08:00

Location: Marble Temple, Bangkok

Sometimes I wish I could just turn around and walk away.
It's tiring to hold the fort on my own.
Lonely is an issue, not to mention the feel of being... used.

-post removed-

[Last post for 2010] Jom!

2010-12-31T11:53:00.002+08:00
It's almost a wrap! For 2010.
It has been a great year for me.
Glad I went along with the flow, as mentioned in the last post for 2009.

I've been on the move frequently this year, something which I found addictive and satisfying.
"I wanted emotion but couldn't find it here, so I settled for motion."
A quote from Anderson Cooper's "Dispatches from the Edge", which aptly describes myself.
Being mobile provides the security and purposefulness I'm looking for in life, as I can't seem to rely on people's emotion to survive.

The best parts of the year?
I've gotten myself a scroll!
I've had amazing experience working for my office. The people I'd met and worked with, the places I'd go, the flexibility (and speed) in working as well as the perspective thinking I'd come to learn.
Wei Siang and the Organising Committee team for MyLDS 2010 gave me a few different perspectives on leadership and management, as well as new found friendship along the way.
To a certain extend, I fulfilled my promise of providing for the family. (with the little amount of $ I managed to earn)
I went on a second backpacking trip! Destination: Bangkok.
I've got something extra along the way as well e.g. Bayer Young Environmental Envoy 2010, the HP mini I'm using, and the best splurge after getting my paycheck: the iPod touch. :-)

The not-so-good parts of the year?
Glad it's just a short list.
I've stopped running around the campus.
I'd deferred my postgraduate studies due to some glitches in registration.
I lost my scholarship, together with some bits of confidence that comes along with "Congrats, you're a (insert scholarship name) scholar!".
I was sad for the the loss, which happened to be the first scholarship I'd ever gotten in life.

Anyways.
You win some, you lose some. That's the game we're suppose to play right?

I'll be honest. I won't make resolutions for the upcoming year.
I like being volatile and acting on the situation based on the best interest I can get.

But I'll be making some promises, work / study wise though.
To do more kick-a** projects / assignments with the office.
To publish at least 5 papers in international journals. (Am thinking of pushing the number to 10 but it might be a bit too high to achieve)
To kick-start my PhD. Officially. No more deferment / delays.

Bring it on, 2011. I'm going to crash in with a bang.

[The Bangkok travelogue] Part 4

2010-12-27T10:46:00.002+08:00
25/12/2010 - Day 3 of exploration

I spent my morning going to Chatuchak weekend market, a favourite haunt for tourists to get souvenirs for friends back home. Then I went, on foot, to different places: starting with Wat Saket, then the Golden Mount, followed by Democracy Monument, City Hall, Wat Mahan Napharam, Loha Prasat, the Giant Swing, Wat Sutha, Wat Ratcha, the flower district near Wat Ratcha and Rama I statue.

That was the most extensive walk I'd ever done in this trip. Going up Golden Mount itself is a challenge as it was situated on a hill. By the time I reached Rama I statue, I can't feel my legs... It went numb for a while.

It's walks like this that made you realise Bangkok, and perhaps many different cities in the world have the same composition: on one side of the spectrum, you have the rich citizens; on another side of the spectrum, you have the extreme poor; and in the middle of it all, it's the average laymen. More often than not, if you're a traveler, you'll only get to see the rich end of the spectrum; you'll get a glimpse at the middle spectrum and the poor side of the spectrum, but you wouldn't feel anything, since it's just a glimpse.

Walking through the homeless people area near to this pier called Ratchini, I felt slightly intimidated. Will they come up to me and ask for donations? They look like they haven't showered for a very long time.. I can't even stand showering for only once per day! The whole stretch of road, where the homeless people stay, smell of urine. I was scared, but I was determined: if I don't go through this stretch of road, I'll never see what it's like being homeless in a big city.

Wow.

I went back exhausted. The mind is thinking about a backlog of work that needs to be done, but the body just feels like laying still on the bed. It's tiring, but satisfying.

It's also heartwarming when Idayu left a wall message on the FB page, wishing God to give me strength in this journey.

I think God gave me more than just strength. :-)

26/12/2010 - Day 4 of exploration

I woke up with a rather sore feet. This is when I decided to take the day extra slow, and limit the amount of walking done on this day.

I went to Silom area in search of Rama IV statue and Chulalongkorn University, found the statue but got lost finding Chulalongkorn Uni. Instead, I came across Lumphini Park near the statue.

As it was approximately 9++ a by the time I reached the park, the people there are still jogging, cycling and hanging around the shades, chatting and having a picnic breakfast.

Most of the people there are senior citizens. Their determination to run around the park, as well as their laughter in their hang-out session with fellow senior citizens awed me. The last time I ran was in April, which is about 9 months ago. And the last time I had that jolly laugh with friends was last week, when I spent my time with the MyLDS rangers in the operational room.

Ah. Missing those moments very much.
Hence the 2011 resolutions: start jogging / walking in campus, regardless of workload. And laugh more with friends that care.

Next, I head on to Siam Paragon IMAX for a movie -- 'Tron: Legacy". It was slightly costly than the usual price I'm paying for a movie tic (220 baht or RM 22 approx), but it was worth the experience. The seat's leathery-like, cold enough but not too cold till you're freezing in the hall, and the washrrom is posh and clean. I noticed a lift at the side of my cinema hall -- it's for royalty use. Talk about top service huh?

One thing about the movie watching experience though.
I went in for a 11.00a show, but only started with the real thing at 11.30a. What went on in the 30 mins were various advertisements and movie trailers, ending with a presentation on the Thai King as well as a song (I figured it was national anthem, since everyone stood up when the song was played).
Imagine 'Negaraku' being played before every movie showing. That would be something right? ;-P

I filled the tummy with food at MBK before heading to a True Coffee joint for some catch up on draft writing. Was amazed at how fast the mind thinks and generate idea in one sitting. This is how holidays rejuvenate you, I suppose? ;-)

I ended the day by going around Chinatown area, looking at the hawkers and their goods.

27/12/2010 - Last day in Bangkok

I just finished ~~squeezing all stuff into a small bag~~ packing for the n-th time, insisting on carrying just one check-in luggage and one hand carry luggage with me.

Yeap. I was pick pocketed.
I was scammed by tuk tuk drivers.
But if I just concentrate my emotions on these events, I'll miss the beauty of Bangkok, and its people.

On numerous occasions, people spoke in Thai language with me. When I explained, 'Sorry, I don't speak Thai', then they realised they're talking to a foreigner.
I think I had no problems integrating in this city for work :-)

The people are amazingly nice.
Malinan, for example. She gave assurance that things will turn out fine and even generously gave 200 baht on the day I was pick pocketed.
My guest house owner, upon knowing my food requirements, wrote "vegetarian" in Thai so I can walk around searching for vegetarian food easily.
The packik-s on the road as well! I asked for direction to go on a bus, but they don't speak Thai. What they did was to ask me where I want to go, then made a quick group discussion, then assign one pakcik that happens to go on the same route to check on me.

I know I'll miss this place. Very much.

And this marks the end of my Bangkok travelogue.
Time to head back to real life, and work / study. :-)

OH YEAH!

[The Bangkok travelogue] Part 3

2010-12-24T22:36:00.001+08:00
Came back from a full day of walking, bus hopping and MRT travelling.

This morning, I walked out of the guest house vowing not to trust tuk tuk drivers, because somehow I sensed that they had this modus operandi specially designed to trick tourists to spend more money on them. No matter what happens, I'll try to walk / take a bus to my destination of choice, unless it's really far away and there's no where I can attempt to be stubborn and walk.

Well, that gut feeling was right. Apparently tuk tuk drivers made pacts with jewelery shop owners as well as tailor shop owners. The deal goes like this: tourist get on tuk tuk. Tuk tuk driver creates a route for tourist on the pretense of "you have someone to wait for you in every stop". Tourist follows suit, without realising the kind of s**t he / she's going to be in. Tuk tuk driver goes to shops, lets tourist shop around. Tourist hop on tuk tuk, their so-called 'route' proceeds.

DO NOT trust tuk tuk drivers. Please. Am begging you. No matter how much nice words they say or how warm they seemed like. To test my hypothesis of "tuk tuk driver = con man", I tried being a clueless tourist and ask, on numerous occasions:

Doria: "How much should I pay from Wat Po to Grand Palace?" (My answer: just walk la! 5 mins only)
Tuk tuk driver: "150 baht".
(15 RM for a 5 min walk? Kiss my backside please)

Doria: "How much should I pay from MBK to Jim Thompson museum?" (My answer: just walk la! 10 mins only, some more can enjoy the quiet walk along the way)
Tuk tuk driver: "150 baht."
(And you think I'm stupid enough to trust you? Not anymore)

I was tricked into such scheme yesterday. 40 baht for 5 locations, which sounds like a good deal, but actually we're just going through a big cycle in central Bangkok (realised this when I went bus hopping today). And the tuk tuk driver had the audacity to tell me, "Grand Palace is not opened until 1pm. You can spend some time going through the wats, then come back to visit Grand Palace."

Not opened my head ah~! The grand palace is opened from 8am to 5pm (if I'm not mistaken) daily.

Anyways. I took my time, from one place to another today. No rushing, no "Come I bring you to this nice fashion area", no "I'll wait for you here.". Just me, my bag, and my map.

Thanks to Fadli for the Western Union bank transfer. His transfer saved the whole trip.

First stop: Wat Po (wat with reclining buddha). The buddha was so big and long, you need to walk around it for about 5 mins to make a complete circle of the reclining buddha. I went around the buddha twice, as I feel like taking my time rounding the big image, and timing the amount of time the tourists in a group trip spend before walking out of the wat (they took around 5 mins as well, for a 50 baht-per entry wat).

Next stop: The massage center at Wat Po. Dubbed (not sure if this is the correct info as well) the best massage center in Bangkok. They even had their own massage school. I signed up for a one-hour full body massage. I'd never been for a massage before, so I was a bit shy and reluctant when a stranger tried to touch me, sans the private areas. The masseur, sensing the tense feelings in me, exclaimed in her broken English, "Relax mam!".

I obliged. And it feel painfully good. Especially the calves, the shoulders and the arms.

I head on to the Grand Palace (by foot) next. Skipped the place when I realised it costs around 350 baht just to get in. Will reconsider visiting this place once I'd purchased all the souvenirs for the friends (a long list at that). I also dropped by this exhibition to commemorate King Chulalongkorn, which is an eye-opener for me, as it gives me a quick glimpse into the Thai monarch.

Next up, I went to 3 universities: Silpakhon University, Thammasat University and Mahidol University. I figured since these unis are within the vicinity, might as well go and have a look (and it doesn't cost anything).

Silpakhon Uni is located right opposite the Grand Palace. Liked their park very much, as their students took the time and effort in putting sculptures as well as decorating it with their art work. Thammasat University, on the other hand, is next to the National Museum and National Theatre. What I like most about this uni are their sculptures, which depict the students' and staff effort in restoring democracy, not to mention their university site for the past few decades.

As for Mahidol University, it is located at a stretch of health centers e.g. center for tropical disease, child health and cardiovascular center. I finally saw the hospital that garnered this university its USD$1 billion income last year from health care services (got this fact from a delegation meeting between UTM and Mahidol University during the recent 6th QS-APPLE, Singapore). The university is also within walking distance to the Victory Monument, of which if one stands long enough on the bridge overlooking the monument, one would realise that the traffic jam in Malaysia is peanuts as compared to the jam in Bangkok.

LOL.

Next, I took the MRT to Siam interchange to go to MBK shopping center, as recommended by Jin Lui, an AirAsia staff who helped me with the flight arrangements for this trip. The place was something like Berjaya Times Square, where everything goes, and everything is affordable enough for you to purchase. I got my first complete meal in 3 days here, by relying on their vegetarian food stall in level 6.

I liked how the system works in MBK food court: you go to the coupon counter, indicate how much worth of coupon you're purchasing, go redeem the food that you want with your coupon and get back to the counter to get a refund over your unused coupon. And the food here is pretty cheap as well! For a complete set of nasi campur vegetarian plus ice blended orange, I only spent around 85 baht.

Ah. Satisfaction on the tummy, after torturing it for the past 3 days w/o solid food.

Next, I head on to Bangkok Arts and Culture Center. The best place I'd visited today. Spent around 3 hours gawking at the art and its display on all 9 levels. The art center deals with contemporary art, such as photography, mime (oh yeah! the white-faced people pretending to knock on unseen walls etc), sculpture exhibition, kids' art corner (pretty darn good art display!), some interior design (current display involves innovative toilet design), and HRH Princess of Thailand's photo exhibition.

I like this place. Very much. I can sit, can stare, can gawk, can ask questions without being told 'Sorry I don't understand', can feel... artsy. Highly recommended for appreciation of local contemporary art, for foreigners.

I went to Jim Thompson's house for a quick walk-through as this place was just about to close by the time I reached it (aprox 5.30pm Bangkok time). Nice, quiet house of the Thai silk king who went AWOL in Malaysian jungle years ago. The people decided to use his house as a museum instead. Super nice and quiet environment in the midst of all the buzz of shopping complexes. Located next to Ratchatavee Pier, the house is made totally out of teak wood, with a walk-in garden and a bar and restaurant.

I think I'm going to head to this place again. I found a place to properly write a letter to meself, inspirations abound courtesy of Jim Thompson's genius of building his house.

I tried walking back to MBK to catch a bus back to my guest house when I came across a night market at the National Stadium. OH WOW. You can't imagine how cheap things are in this place. E.g.: a stainless steel cup for 10 baht. I was reminded of my fellow course mates who had just being located in different locations around the country for their posting and having not much bare essentials in their rented hoses. This place is simply heaven for them.

Oh. I finally found a true halal street food: wet popiah and this fried bread with assorted condiments e.g. condensed milk, chocolate, blueberry etc. The tummy is satisfied, once again.

Now back in the room, spending a lonely Christmas, I can't help but feeling contented.
For having a friend who managed to save me through a Western Union transfer -- Fadli.
For having the courage (should be from God lah, this one) to walk around on my own, despite the experience yesterday, and discover so much of Bangkok that I might have missed, if I were to go for a group tour with other people.

For having the opportunity to travel, gain the exposure abroad, courtesy of AirAsia. :-)

For tomorrow, I think I'm just going to take things slow. A movie or two maybe? As well as a weekend market visit. There is quite a number of vodoo dolls as well as T-shirts to purchase for people back home.

Later.

[The Bangkok travelogue] Part 2

2010-12-23T20:35:00.003+08:00
(Previous thread here. No pics, didn't bring my card reader along with me)

6.01 pm, Bangkok time. Am safely in room after a whole day of adventure / misadventure.

Anyways.

Am enjoying myself in Bangkok, very much. The sights, the sounds, the culture shock. I stayed in Cozy Bangkok Place (link here), which is highly recommended for anyone wishing to travel to Bangkok, either backpacking / group travel. The place is within walking distance (approx. time 5-10 mins of walking) to Hualampong train station as well as bus station for you to hop on the bus and go to the tourist attraction spots in Bangkok.

Oh, did I mention how clean, quiet and well managed the whole guest house is? And it has Wifi as well!
(And I had a feeling that I'd never leave Malaysia at all, considering how the lappy connects me to Malaysia.)

I started my trip this morning at Wat Traimit (wat with golden buddha). 4 tiers of the wat to climb before seeing the big buddha image made out of gold. Next, I made my way to the Wat Pho (wat with sleeping buddha) area, before meeting this uncle who assigned a tuk tuk driver as my driver of the day.

The tuk tuk driver, Narkon is a soft-spoken guy who speaks English considerably well. He dropped me off at my first stop i.e. Debsirin (wat with smiling buddha). I came across an English teacher at the wat, who chatted with me and ended the conversation by saying, "You look very young. Good luck and I pray for your journey.". I also spent a better part of the stop there looking at the smiling buddha and finding a few good reasons to smile in 2011, not to mention cursing myself at accepting Fadli's challenge i.e. writing a letter to myself.

The test pad is still empty, by the time I decided to leave Debsirin for my next 2 stops i.e. jewelery wholesale stores.

According to the locals, shopping on jeweleries, especially that of natural stones e.g. ruby, sapphire, perridot etc should be done here because the jeweleries on sale are of rock-bottom price, much cheaper compared to those found in shopping complexes. True enough, you can get a gold ring with ruby stone (a considerably big cutting at that) for about RM 2.5k. They mine the stones at the Thailand-Cambodia border, process the stones and bring the stones to the factories for cutting, modelling and designing.

I know what I want for my wedding present from the hubby (if there's ever one in the future): a trip up to these wholesale stores for stone shopping. ;-)

Next, I was chauffeured to Wat Bernchamabopitr (marble wat). The place was huge, with the main temple at the side, a miniature canal with some bridges where tourists pose for their photographs, as well as monk's living area. It was in this place that I realised my lost faith should be found and strengthened. Looking at the people praying, I can't help but wonder about the last time I really place everything in God's hands when talking to God, instead of performing prayers for the sake of fulfilling my obligations.

My next stop was Wat Indrawihan (wat with 50m standing buddha). By this point of time, no offence to anyone, but I've started to conclude that every wat has similar looking buddha with different poses. But that 50m standing buddha was a sight to behold. 50 straight meters of the buddha statue, facing east. With urns and plaques of deceased near to its foot, the remnants of past devotees waiting for their reincarnation cycle, I would assume.

Narkon dropped me off in Grand Palace after that. That's when the trouble began.

I was fumbling through my pockets to find $ for a cold drink and some fruits to eat, since I practically skipped previous night's dinner and today's breakfast and lunch (it's kind of hard to find halal food at my place). My stash of cash, at the pockets are gone. That was my only source of cash for the whole trip.

I was pick pocketed. I panicked.

I felt helpless walking around, trying hard to find a CIMB that would at least able to solve my problem. It sucks feeling helpless.
1) Went in to a CIMB branch to try cashing out at the ATM, failed.
2) Went in to a 7-11 with CIMB ATM to try cashing out, failed.
3) Walked frantically around Khao Sang road to find a CIMB ATM, tried cashing out, failed.
4) Went to other ATMs of other banks to try my luck at cashing out, failed.

By this time, I was on the brink of breaking down. No matter how many times I tried inserting the ATM card into the machine, it reads 'Card not inserted correctly.' I even asked the staffs to help, but they encounter the same problem. I remembered checking twice on the overseas withdrawal status before departure. It seemed approved in Malaysia, but I can't seem to withdraw overseas.

I also tried calling the Malaysian embassy.
The suggestion: come to the embassy the next day (the NEXT day? Aren't you suppose to say something like, "Can you come to the embassy asap and we'll see what we can do for you?").
The recommendation: the embassy will connect me to family / friend, and they'll transfer the $ to the embassy, the embassy transfer the $ to me.

Too much hassle. And the last thing I want is for my parents to worry about me and ban me from any overseas trip in the coming years ahead.

A kind lady by the name of Malinan offered her BB for me to call the CIMB call center in Malaysia, but there's no solution to be found: since the ATM machine reads 'Card not inserted correctly', then it means the problem is not something that they can address on their side and I need to call my friends for help.

Malinan even gave me 200BHT so I can go back to my guest house, take a breather and contact those who could be able to help me, e.g. guest house owner or friends.

The misadventure didn't stop there.

I booked a tuk-tuk to go back to my guest house. Initially, the tuk tuk driver charged me 150BHT for the trip. I backed away before he offered a final price of 0BHT, on condition that I visited two tailors and stayed there for 10 mins, no obligations on any purchase.

With the little amount of cash that I had, I obliged.

After what seemed like forever, I was back at my guest house, logged online, and seek help from Zhang and Fadli. Fadli transferred an amount of $ to Western Union, of which it would depend on me to pick up the $ the next day.

Argh. My afternoon was ruined. I was supposed to visit the Grand Palace, enjoy a full body massage and gawk at the sleeping buddha at Wat Po, went to Wat Arun to enjoy sunset and the varieties of buddha status there as well as haunting the streets of Khao Sang Road (backpacker's area) for food and some entertainment.

Now I feel tired. I just need sleep. The mood to explore, at least for today, is gone.

But some bring-backs today, in terms of traveling in Bangkok, especially alone:
1) You can't really trust people. The tuk-tuk drivers for example. They bring you to a place, with the reason of 'I'm recommending you to a shop for you to try out', but at the end of the day, they're going to be the one earning your cash as well as the shop's cash.

2) Have contingency plans when you travel. In my case, my mistakes were not having credit cards with me (for emergency measures), trusting too much on the bank system (which in the end kinda failed me), and not knowing how to money transfer using Western Union. Fortunately, I have the netbook and Google to search for 'how to transfer money' as well as 'western union', and a friend in Malaysia (Fadli) who can conduct the Western Union transfer fast enough.

3) Stay calm. You're in a foreign land where people don't really know how to converse in English. There's bound to be some kind of 'Sorry I don't know' or 'Sorry I can't understand' coming out from the people whom you seek help from. It's rather useless to wait for help; seek for your own solution. And pray hard. For the helplessness that you feel, there's bound to be a good Samaritan coming for your aid. In my case, it's Malinan and her 200BHT for tonight.

I think I'm going to find some food around this place to eat, rest earlier, maybe start doing some drafting on a guideline. Surprisingly, all the walking and misadventure gave me inspiration to work.

And surprisingly, I'm looking forward for more trips in the coming days ahead. Yeah, it sucks having pick-pocketed on the first day of your adventure, but somehow I feel that one need to experience this to be more careful, to know how it feels like for a foreigner to be outside the country with no help in hand, and to experience trouble-shooting at its peak.

LOL

[The Bangkok travelogue] Part 1

2010-12-22T11:40:00.001+08:00
I left my room around 11.45pm last night and traveled up to KL over a Transnational bus. The tragedy that struck 27 tourists along the Cameron-Highlands road was fresh on the mind.

I was scared. I don't want to die, just yet.
For one thing, I want to experience how it's like to present a project to Ketua Setiausaha and the minister! And I don't want to leave while life in the office is getting really interesting, with the possibilities of contributing more towards the development of Malaysia's higher education in the coming year, not to mention travelling abroad, meeting more people and pushing more limits in event organising / strategic thinking et al!!!

Right. I'm just being paranoid.

I arrived in Bukit Jalil bus station around 4.45a, waited for the LRT to start its service at 6a and headed to Bandar Tasik Selatan LRT in order to transit to LCCT via KLIA transit. It was a quick few mins of train ride, some 30 mins of waiting time in Salak Selatan train station (of which I'd finished my MyLDS post mortem and had a brief chat with Idayu) before going on board a shuttle service from the train station to LCCT.

Then it's dinner / breakfast combo in Marrybrown, simply because that place is the quietest place in the whole airport terminal, before heading on to Starbucks for a few hours' worth of Internet, expensive coffee and my new found hobby: people watching.

Ah, the bliss of just sitting down, doing nothing with the hands, but doing so much with the mind.

This marks the first time, since 8/12/2010, that I had sat down and found myself derived of things to do, errands to run and people to meet. A long 2 weeks indeed, starting with a presentation in Putrajaya on 8/12, continuing on with MyLDS preparation before heading to office to settle outstanding work, post MyLDS.

I actually envy those who had the time to sleep after conference, and those who complained of being bored, such as Kai Hua.

I looked at my checklist. Well, most involved thinking and typing out the thoughts and role-playing as devil's advocate in presentations. Screw thinking, for just a few hours. I'm just starting to enjoy people-watching in Starbucks and freezing my bottoms off with the super cold air-conditioning.

I tweeted earlier on, "... found people watching in starbucks lcct an interesting experience. all of us are travelers, and each of us has a story to tell.".

I looked around. At my 12 o'clock, there's a long-haired lady with a blue-white shawl sipping her Starbucks beverage while reading magazines. She had this conventional sitting-in-cafe-drinking-and-pausing pose found generally in photo shoots of magazines. At my 3 o'clock, there are 2 girls speaking in a foreign exotic language, reading their notes, typing furiously on their netbooks and surfing Facebook. Across the Starbucks joint, at the counter, people with luggages coming in and out, ordering their beverages and glancing around to find a nice spot to sit.

The turnover rate in this joint is rather fast, approximately 10-15 mins / table (well, at least for the table around me, excluding the two girls).

Some of the people look tired. They either rested their heads on the table or lean against their chairs. For those travelling in groups, they are busy chatting and having their pastries. The baristas walk swiftly across the joint, clearing tables and making way for travelers to find their 'third place' in the airport.

All of us have a destination in mind. Most of us are stuck waiting. And each of us have a story to tell. I guess this must be one of the reasons why people enjoy traveling so much: the feel of going somewhere, waiting for something and telling your story to some people is rather fascinating. With so much to see and so much to soak up (in terms of the colours, the emotions and the diversity), traveling is simply one's way of getting lost, albeit those few hours', and becoming someone else: a person with a bag, a travel document and an end point to go to.

The Christmas songs played on Starbucks stereo made the whole scene even more movie-like, if you don't look out and see the sun outside Starbucks, and the fake palm tree in front of the Starbucks joint.

I have a story to tell!
I'm a girl looking forward to her 2nd stint of traveling abroad individually.
Her destination is Bangkok, Thailand, on an AirAsia flight. Thanks Jin Lui for the arrangement!
My parents sent me off by phone, saying "Just take care of yourself kay?", while Dr Ismail asked, twice, "Are you sure you want to go Bangkok now?"
The trip is just a short stint of getting away from people for a while, after 2 weeks of submerging self in a sea of 400 youths.
Different scenes flashed across the mind: Of Fadli and Yan saying, "Take care of yourself on the trip!" during team meeting, of KC's shocked expression when she found out about my post-conference escapade, of the online news snippet of Red Shirt protesters flocking the streets of Bangkok on demonstration, of myself packing haphazardly 1 hour before the cab arrived at my block, etc, etc.

The grace period for check-in has just started. In 2 hours' time, I'll be leaving Malaysia and flying towards a foreign land, alone, accompanied by the netbook, my Spiro / new phone, my iPod touch, Moo and Char.

Dammit. If only I can take Moo out, place it on the table and take a picture of Moo people-watching in Starbucks.

Later.

you know what's my after-thought?

2010-12-20T20:27:00.001+08:00
(this post will be in small caps. click on the x on the top right corner if you feel annoyed)

it's post mylds'10-kaleidoscope. i think i dont have to talk about the sleepless nights, the frustration, the anger and the adrenaline that flows through the veins for the past 2 weeks, preparing for the conference as well as managing the conference, as an organising team with boss wei siang and 10 other 'rangers'.

somehow, i gotta thank wei siang for the opportunity to be in this conference.
fussing around in my so-called 'specialty' i.e. delegates servicing (a.k.a. babysitter for 400 delegates), going mia on numerous occasions to handle work in the office.
it must've been some experience for him, handling someone who
1) had a bitter ending to her @, hence the sarcasm in @-related jokes and statements
2) is a pure-blooded shaper, based on belbin inventory
3) can't commit full 100% in managing the conference (i always had to go somewhere / do something, e.g. meetings, presentations et al)

the experience of working in the organising committee team is also something to be remembered.
it started rather weird in the start and continued on until one month before the conf. for one thing, we never had a full team meeting. everyone specialises in their own field, and focused on doing what's really necessary according to their job description. but somehow, everyone gets back together days leading to the conf. the 4 stages of team formation i.e. forming, storming, norming and performing all crammed together in the 2 weeks leading to the conference.

this is one of the few learning points that i'd take note for, from this particular experience: one must see through the usual "i lead, inspire, motivate and push" leadership style to lead, with the end in focus, rather than pleasing everybody and having too much burden to hold on to on the shoulder.

some other bring-backs / after-thoughts / anecdotes (well, that's my mix, no pun intended) from the conference:
#2: three rules when it comes to maintaining your momentum in a team:
1) hold on to the 'i'm tired' statement, because it's your job to make sure you've done your job
2) if you think your job sucks, think of others who are far worse than you are
3) there will always be someone who irks you. always. but if you focus your attention on that particular person, you're simply not a team player and a team leader

#3: i kinda missed yi ying and her gang of 'old folks' at the moment. their wisdom is priceless. she's right: you don't know what it really means to be an organising committee until you become one.

#4: you just have to touch a person's life, if you can't touch all. you can't satisfy all, as the saying goes. for every 10 frustrated fellas, there will be 1 who appreciate what you've done for them.

#5: being on the forefront, working and letting ppl see you work is exciting. but being on the background, working silently is even better. they value you more.

(the following para might offend some ppl. again, refer to the x on the top right corner)

an interesting observation: me heart's totally off from this organisation. noticed this when the utm team got up to get their plaque for most progressive local committee, @ malaysia awards night. the utm clan was cheering, shouting, hugging each other et al, but i can't seem to embrace that surge of joy around me.

i got what i wanted, from my expectation setting with boss earlier: i'm in the organising team just to get meself busy, stretch my limits and help out the boss.

anyways.

great experience. especially the part about troubleshooting screw-ups, playing trolleys with idayu and seeing through the fanfare and colour the delegates bring to the conference.

haha. i got me next amazing / challenging / interesting assignment d! gop exhibition, my office, coming in jan / feb 2011. rotf

what i'd learned these days

2010-11-30T00:28:00.001+08:00
some anecdotes of my experience in singapore, attending the 6th qs-apple (my first professional international conference, non-student organisation related for that matter) 2 weeks back (follow up from previous post here):

#1: you don't count the no. of hours you've had sleeping; you measure it by the quality of sleep you have.

#2: asking 'why?' is so... level one; try asking 'how?' so you know what you're suppose to do.
(footnote: and if you ask 'when?', just take note that if it doesn't get brought up, it's not urgent. lol)

#3: it takes a lot of reading, a lot of thinking, more writing and speaking to
(a) think fast
(b) speak eloquently
(c) hit bull's eye in every problem-solving situations

#4: you don't make small talk for nothing; you make strategic conversations.

#5: (continuation from #4) and in those strategic conversations, you can't really just think along the lines of 'us'; you need to add on 'but i think i should get more of this...'.

#6: you don't stuff your face with food during networking; the finger food are there for a purpose. your job is to live that purpose.

#7: there's no such thing as stupid questions. but there is such thing as 'smart question', 'strategic question' and 'beneficial question'.

#8: do good to others. you'll never know when you need that favor returned to you some day.

#9: to 'listen' and to 'hear' are two different things. to 'hear' is level one, to 'listen' brings you up n-th levels.

#10: observe. react. concentrate. and don't forget to take note of what you've experienced.

#11: having the following ability is so important, especially when you're dealing with decision makers:
(a) poker face in any situation
(b) an 'elevator smile', an 'elevator pitch', and an 'elevator exit statement / gesture', in that particular order
(c) read non-verbal body language
(d) a "i'm on your league too" presence
(e) charm. lots of it.

#12: if you're not listening, people will know. if you're not concentrating, people will also know. but if you're tired / disappointed / sad / (insert any negative feelings here), people will not know.

#13: have that drive to learn. everything will come through pretty fast, smooth and impressive after that.

serena! i've had a confession to make. my life is anything but mundane. pretty exciting, as a matter of fact.

zhang! try mixing and matching the anecdotes above with my tweets about the singapore experience, and my usual day-to-day exchanges on twitter. you'll see how much i'd enjoyed myself, but will also question on certain aspects of my life e.g. friends, emotional stability, work integrity etc.

idayu! in case you're reading this. the awesomeness you felt (i like that particular tweet very much; the one about saluting yours truly) is trained. especially if you're working in my kind of environment. lol

something eye-opening indeed

2010-11-21T18:48:00.000+08:00

Was in Suntec Singapore from 17-19 November to attend 6th QS-APPLE. Details of conference here.

The whole experience is something to be remembered.

I'll get back to writing once I have the proper words in place for the experience. LOL

Eid al-Adha

2010-11-16T16:59:00.001+08:00
It's Eid al-Adha tomorrow.

I miss my family. Home is where I would really want to be, at the moment.

***********************************************

On the way back to room after some errands at the office, I was replaying this conversation I'd had with mom in the mind.

To cut a long story short, my scholarship was revoked. Reason: I changed my faculty.
The news came verbally w/o any official docs to verify it, but I was, in a way, shaken.

I'd never had a scholarship my whole life, and to be given one, at the point when you're looking for affirmation , with regards to your life for the next 30 years, it's an honour.

And to have it taken away from you -- in a way, it's like your wife / gf saying, "I don't trust you anymore." My parents were worried. Can this daughter of theirs take the rejection? They called frantically, numerous times, just to check whether I'll be doing something *stupid* in their absence.

It got a point when I raised my voice one pitch to both mom and dad.
"Hey, the more Qs you ask, and the more you said, the more I felt bad. Leave me alone, it's my problem, I'll find a way to settle it."

It hurts, in a way. It seriously hurts.
But then, I can't just... you know, do something *stupid* just because of one rejection.
I'm still surviving, for God's sake. There's more things to look forward to, and perhaps this is God's way of saying, "I'm still around, you still need me and just hang on tight for the ride!".

***********************************************

Tomorrow, the whole world will bow, towards the kiblat, commemorating sacrifices and solemnity in daily (religious and obligation) rituals.

I am counting my blessings, of being the receiving end of sacrifices of people close to me, as well as people around me, directly (at least I know / can see it) and indirectly (the string-pulling, the bottomless advice / nagging / consultations).

My parents especially: their sacrifices so that I'm around the campus, living my dream as a postgrad student.

I felt bad of not going back at this point of time, of justifying my current position, of assuring them that everything will turn out well, of not being able to provide for them, when I'm at the ripe age of taking up responsibility to care for them.

I am blaming myself, for not being able to sacrifice enough for the family, in work, with friends, for the religion. It's always the same reasons: not enough time, not enough courage to do so, too selfish to think self rather than the others, not enough energy to care for it all.

I just hope I am granted forgiveness by all, for what I've done, and what I've not done all these while.

*sigh*

***********************************************

Happy Eid al-Adha, by the way.

Of Gen-Ys, carrots and sticks

2010-11-03T00:04:00.001+08:00
If it wasn't for a shout-out from Serena on Twitter, I'd swear I'd forgotten about having a blog and writing an entry. LOL.
(Serena! I'm feeling a lil' bit deja-vu. Something about twitter, asking you to update blog, the likes. Hm. Haha)

Where was I.
Right...
Am currently tripling my role as a research assistant / PhD candidate / some small insignificant role as organizing committee for national leadership conference.

Not to mention, having conflicts with my relatives about their expectation of seeing me at home, taking care of my elderly parents rather than sloughing off in JB for my postgrad / work.

It sucks, being labeled 'not responsible' towards the family et al.
By the same people whom you look up to for their wisdom.
Dammit, I don't have to be reminded of the guilt I'd felt when I made that decision to stay in JB!

Anyways.
Am not going to talk about this personal problem in this blog.
I mean, you read it, you feel for it, you commented about it and that's that.
Can't really help in easing up the guilt, can ya?

*sigh*

I was going through this slide just now, after a brief sharing with Dr Lee in the office yesterday, post-monthly VC meet in the hall.

My favourite slide was slide #10, as posted below.

(Posted w/o permission. Sorry Dato')

IMHO, the bulleted points describe the traits that the Gen-Y workers, like yours truly are looking forward to in any organization / company / institution.
(something that I'd came across in one of the Gen-Y-as-employee article)

We're not exactly in favour of routine, mundane tasks, and our concerns, at the end of the day, would be
(1) what's the culture of the organisation like?
(2) what's success and appreciation like in the organisation?
(3) how can the organisation fit (1) and (2) into me so my involvement is worth the effort?

If the concerns above are addressed, you'd bet we'll be working even harder to strengthen and amplifiy the benefits obtained from all (1), (2) and (3). Because we're internally driven / motivated to work, knowing the conducive environment we're working in will nurture us well as a productive member of the society.

Anyway. Glad to know that the top management of UTM is headed towards such transformation. One that is driven more on the individual's concerted efforts in improving him / herself, which collectively would translate to a major transformation in how things are being done and viewed upon at current point of time.

You can't really have people thinking 'You sure about this? Let's wait and see' when there's not much time to wait and see, can you?

It's either you swim with the stream or creating the wave yourself... or worse, drown in water. -__-

I would really want to know how is "be more playful" being translated in a well-established education institution like UTM. Literal translation of it would mean... well, pi main sebanyak yg mungkin!!! LOL.
But technically, it might mean that the staffs need to have more... youthful outlook? The let's-go-for-it, go-getter trait that the hot-blooded youths have in their prime, which MUST be in place for a major transformation to occur.

Another slide worth mentioning is slide #16.

I used to think carrots and sticks work. Don't they have such book a few years back on how employers should wage some carrots to make things spring alive among the employees?

I guess that book is obsolete by now, to a certain extend? LOL

Time to sleep. Let's see if I can squeeze a chapter write-up, some legislative rules and replying to rude and inconsiderate student emails from certain universities of the centre and northern region early in the morning.

Find something. Stamp your mark. Smile for the effort.

2010-10-24T19:06:00.002+08:00

Left Foot Forward, originally uploaded by Pyogenes Gruffer..
I guess he's right after all: go all-out in everything that you do. Because at the end of the day, you're leaving something behind for someone, no matter how insignificant / mundane you think it is.

Yesterday, I dropped by at this poster competition for 1st Chemical Engineering students under the SLICE programme, a 3-stage problem-based learning for 'Introduction to Engineering'.

My BYEE carbon footprint team had the privilege to grace the 1st stage of the programme by conducting sessions on carbon footprint to the students taking this subject in August. Details in August archive of the blog, or you can type 'BYEE' in the search engine at the side.

Ruwaida, one of the champions / tutor of this programme, sent a notification earlier on last week on the competition but I didn't give much thought since I was scheduled to go Melaka for a team trip with Fadli and Yan. Unfortunately, the trip had been cancelled... And I managed to go and see the kids in action on their big day.

Basically, after the students attended our session, they need to conduct a study on their carbon or water footprint in their respective faculty / college / designated areas in the campus (e.g. library and mosque) AND come out with innovative solutions on how to reduce their carbon or water footprint. The competition was held for these students to feature their pitch and well... win something from the sponsors!

I walked around the beautifully decorated stalls with posters, mock-ups and vid displays, soaking in on their innovation and effort to present their pitch.

The kids' effort is much lauded. Well, they still had a long way (3.5 years) to go to get even more innovative (a lot of designs are of similar concepts), brush up on their pitching skills (I may be a bit too high on myself in this section), and improve; but then again, you can't really put high expectations on the kids, knowing that they just started their uni lives and they need more exposure and SHIT (to place it positively, it's super high intensive training) to be better.

Three teams really caught my attention. One team featured a modified pair of sneakers so that kinetic energy from all the walks / runs are harnessed into electrical energy to charge mobile phones. So far this particular team had my high marks in terms of innovation, out of the whole delegation. The other two teams, on the other hand, were good in terms of presentation. Very precise, laymen-language, less technical presentation, with emphasis on how the product would benefit people, save costs AND contribute towards the environment's conservation.

One team in particular caught me off guard completely. They ended their presentation by saying "Thanks to you for your session and motivation." For a moment there, I was rather... dumbstruck.

THAT, my dears, is a reward itself.

As I walked to the library to continue the never-ending reading / processing I'd to do, I'd had flashbacks of my participation in Bayer Young Environmental Envoy 2010. The exposure, experience, emotional roller-coasters especially leading to the 15-min presentation during the finals (come to think of it, I'd never blogged about this nerve-wrecking event), wonderful trips during our Eco Camp in Bintulu, Sarawak.. Not to mention, the most important experience of all; executing my project with the best of talent: Idayu, Yee Khai, Syamir, Fadli.

I'd had my fun, the fame (of being featured in the newspaper), lessons learnt throughout the way... But at this point of time, that thank-you note is the sweetest reward of all.

I guess the stories on Hallmark, the movies about finding purposes in life et al are right after all: your purpose in life is to live a purpose. And I think I'd finally acknowledged one of the purpose of life that I should live through and hold on: to make a difference.

Yeap.

Bowling and perspectives

2010-10-16T09:46:00.001+08:00
Went bowling with a group of friends yesterday afternoon.
The output: 6 rounds, some misadventures in between (car break down, extra 30 mins travelling because of a missed turn), and a few perspectives to be considered.

#1: (not verbatim) "There's a lot of Physics involved in bowling."
#2: (not verbatim) "How to play basketball? Make sure the ball goes right through the hoop. And bounce the ball while you run."
#3: "It's all in the head".
#4: "I feel helpless."
#5: (not verbatim) "How a guy eats is how he is in bed."
#6: (not verbatim) "A lady doesn't have to try being a lady."
#7: (part of a sentence) "... just try to simplify things..."

It was supposed to be a relaxing bowling session. Somehow I found it reflective, humbling and tiring, both mentally and physically.

Oh well.

zac efron ruined my movie marathon.

2010-10-09T10:29:00.000+08:00
fadli's text last night: 'told ya. ew'.

used to NOT trust him on movie selections, but i think i better give his advice a go for now. or else it will be another zac-efron disaster. lol

In (place item here), I rest my case

2010-10-03T21:56:00.000+08:00

Exec summary:
1) I'm not in a good mood now. Despite the fact that I should be thankful for the things I have at the moment.
2) I'll be fine once I'd gotten whatever quick fix (food / rest) I need.
3) I'm disappointed, but I opt to move on. As in in (place item here), I rest my case.
4) I need tickle-me-Elmo FAST.

==================================================================

Yeap. Somebody definitely noticed it.
(thanks Idayu)

There's so many things going on past 1++ week.
It started with...

1) BYEE presentation preparation at the Bayer office (photo from Farhana, BYEE 2010)
(and getting addicted to Berocca at the end of the day)

2) BYEE 2010 Awards Night Presentation (Not sure whose photo I'd stolen from FB though, it's either Siao Meng, Farhana or Lisa, BYEEs 2010)
(I didn't make it to Germany. But the fact that June and Atikah went for the awards night, not to mention the bosses too, all the way from JB, is a very good consolation)

3) Bon Odori 2010 JB. (Photo from Idayu)
(whoah. the pakcik's expression is priceless. lol)

4) Picture session with coursemates (photo from Dz, SPK 06-10)
(donning the robe time. never imagined that the day would come finally)

5) Reunions (photo from Tsongki)...
(kg-pile up round 1)

6) More reunions (photo from Eky... I think)...
(kg pile up round... 2)

7) Attending someone's convocation (photo from Eky)...

8) To attending my own convocation (photo from Erlynda)...

9) And more reunion (photo form Eky)...
(kg pile up round... what diff does it make now?)

...............................

It's people, people, and people all the way, for the past 1++ week, as a conclusion from all the photos above.

There are some which cannot be represented by photos though.
Like the shifting of emotions (as to which side of the spectrum... I'll leave it at that).

Also, the pain of not being able to express what's on my mind to the two closest people who work alongside me at the moment, Yan and Fadli.

I do realize that in team work, you've got to give and take. And I'm happily obliging with this basic fact. But sometimes, the giving and taking doesn't seem to be well-defined.

I've had this feeling that somehow my tolerance in giving and taking (among the three of us) are being pushed to the max. And I don't like the fact that I'm placing myself in emotional.. turmoil, so to speak, just because of these two guys here.

Sigh.

The mechanism (or rather escapism) that I'd employed recently to derive myself off such emotional trap is one short sentence of

in (place item here), I rest my case

Like ordering a super sweet choc bliss (it's a Snickers-like cake) in Starbucks.
in choco bliss, I rest my case.

Or taking a longer nap.
in sleep, I rest my case.

Or walking aimlessly from the college, to the library, and back.
in walking, I rest my case.

Or a movie marathon.
in the silver screen, I rest my case.

Or non-stop reading of a subject (note: terrorism) which was the issue ... ages ago.
in reading, I rest my case.

Months of working on research had made me discovered a trait I'd never had before: I'm an impatient fella looking for solutions rather than waiting for justification and recalibration.

Hence, rather than demanding explanation and apologies from the team mates, I'd took it all (the no-shows, the non-performing, et al), place it into something representative (like food), be done with it, and move on.

in moving on, I rest my case.

Which reminds me of SOMETHING that I'd haven't got myself to complete that in (place item here), I rest my case thingamajig:

A tickle-me-Elmo.

Let's see if I can squeeze some time for a Singapore trip for my Elmo. Haha

jason mraz - mr.curiosity

2010-10-02T00:11:00.000+08:00

have you ever looped a song on your mp3 / mp4 / youtube channel et al so many times,

1) the song becomes so personal to you
2) you started to decipher what your subconscious is really trying to tell you (you DON'T like a song for no particular reason, fyi)
3) you hope the singer himself (otherwise known as jason mraz) will be telling you SOMETHING about the song that nobody knows except himself, just so both of you can compare notes on the 'connectivity' of the song to the self,

dear mr mraz, just in case you're reading this, i'm blaming you for my addiction towards this song. lol.

(but seriously, it's a great song.)

tired.

2010-09-28T18:11:00.000+08:00
of running around.
just finished convocation session, lunch and studio session with friends. finally had that time to sit down and breathe.

everything's done.
from bayer young environmental envoy awards night, to raya-ing at boss's place, to bon-odori jb, to reunion with friends, to convocation.

i kinda missed the adrenaline though.

next up?
work.
there's not much to catch up but then the speed to work should be maintained.

and maybe think about the scholarship offer i received this morning. just when i thought everything's set d. sigh

zzzzzzzs

on with technology

2010-09-18T17:53:00.000+08:00
This is an attempt to blog on me iPod touch. Gets pretty annoying with the small screen and all, but the feeling of being stared at while sitting cross-legged on the sofa with the little fella is priceless. Oh, pair that experience up with Andrew Heringer Band's "Under Californian Skies" album. Epic la haha

Three cheers for staying alive!

2010-09-17T14:50:00.001+08:00
I always opt to walk to office rather than taking the UTM shuttle bus.
One, to reduce the alarmingly large amount of my weekly carbon dioxide emission (50+ kgs, blame it on the cab trips);
And two, to give myself that uninterrupted-15 mins of thinking time. With songs from me ipod touch, of course.

It's a rather peaceful walk to office today. I only saw around 5 cars on my way to office. and one bus driver who opened his door and spat whatever waste he had in the mouth. Urgh.

Maybe it's because of the raya mood the whole campus is having at the moment.
Today marks the 7th day of raya, and in Johor especially, the celebration goes on for one long month.

With that peaceful walk comes a rather disturbing thought: Being in order is good, but you gotta have that chaos to make life beautiful.

Like how, when working in a team, it's good to be organised and all; but each one of us has this pressure point that should be pressed on constantly so the adrenaline kicks in, the routine chores don't look that routine anymore.
And the team experience plus learning curve becomes even more valuable with the events that were brought forward by the pressure points.

Or even in a relationship, when there's this why-didn't-you-pick-up-that-call or where-have-you-been usual drama, that leads to fights, short-term breakups followed by reconciliations, and memories beyond that x-th anniversary on how silly it was to get so caught up on minor feelings caused by sheer longing for the each other.

Similar to this friend over here, I hate dramas in life.
Had that revelation recently, while busing around for Raya preparations, hosting visitors over the house during Raya open house and reunions with friends and family.
If things can be solved with a little bit of this and a little bit of that, then by all means, solve it. Need not add-in extra stuff i.e. emotions to make it Hallmark-approved. (sorry, no pun intended)

However, emotions have to be in, in any case. The tears, laughs, et al.
The tricks of handling drama in life are:
One, don't get suck up in all the drama. You're a sane, functional fella who should not succumb to any dramatic aftermaths of emotional outbursts. In any case, you might be the last one standing. LOL
Two, solve, solve and solve. Time is ticking, there's time to think about grieve later.
Three, smile and join the bandwagon for some laughs. Twitter, FB et al social media sites are there for a reason. Not to mention the blogs. You'll have a piece of the drama to report to at the end of the day.

Dramas are chaos, and chaos is beautiful.
We all like beautiful stuff after all, kan? LOL.
Crapping betul lah.

In short, the whole 15-mins thought lead to this particular conclusion: it's great to simply being alive.
Laughing and singing and tearing up and what-nots, playing the part of an eager fella who enjoys being part of the drama, or being THE drama itself.

Time for some of me own drama with the laptop. LOL

the raya this year is somehow different lah.

2010-09-11T21:31:00.000+08:00

picture stolen from wahyuinqatar.wordpress.com

i'm getting the hang of typing a blog post without proper punctuations.

it's day 2 of raya. well, it doesn't really feel like raya for me. the mood lasted for one day only.
(the eating is a different case though. lol)

have been excusing meself from being the host / waitress / tukang cuci pinggan for the whole day.
reason: the unfinished BYEE 2010 final report. cannot really put this off to another day, like what i've been doing for the past 1 week because the dateline's coming in 9 days and i have another report to finish.

it's done. finally. not sure if i have the time to do a video though. nak tidur lah.

last raya taught me the value of being with family during festive season. this raya though, it's a different lesson. or lessons, for that matter.

lesson #1: having a paycheck means you have that extra responsibility to support the family for festive season.
i forgot to factor this in while doing my budget earlier on. lol.
you know that feeling when you're sure everything's set (note: stuff buying wise) for the festive season? it used to be a mom thing, until i resume that position recently.
it feels good. seriously.

lesson #2: marriage, divorce, pregnant with kids, death. it's a family drama that shouldn't be a drama in your life, no matter what happens.
initially i didn't feel comfortable knowing other people's family business, but a few reunions and gossip sessions settle it all.
i was surprised, literally. the kind of events happening in just 6 months. and the kind of precaution that needs to be taken, e.g. the proper words to say, the kind of topics not to be discussed et al.
and i thought my work stress is too much to handle. lol.

lesson #3: it's festive seasons like this where the ~~inevitable~~ generic question sets in, and there's a SOP on handling the questions in a tactical manner.
"do you have a boyfriend?" / "are you seeing someone?" / "have you thought about marriage?" / "(insert name here) is having her kid, when's your turn?"
ah. the big question.
it's pretty easy to shrug off the question. and i'm already a pro at giving different reactions to the question.

option 1: buat bodoh. then look at him / her and said, "i thought it's god's will that you're seeing someone?"
this is called using god as a scapegoat.
option 2: do a fake laugh. then geleng2 kepala. then said, "oops. i think the people there needs more drinks."
this is called being a good host.
option 3: pretend to be immersed on that encore-dunno-how-many-times raya special on tv. or typing 'qwerty' repeatedly on the message board. or playing games on ipod touch.
this is called deep concentration.
option 4: look serious. then said, "tido pun x cukup. nak cari suami ke? x kuasa lah!"
this is called annoyance.

lesson #4: learn how to push compliments away. because if you say 'thanks!', there will be follow up questions / statements after that.
like "eh you become slimmer d!"
the response to give is "well, the baju kurung's too big for me anyway."

or "wow you're really smart huh!"
the response to give is "nah. my common sense is way better than my brain."

i think i'm going to bed. need to wake up early tomorrow to catch up on... that dreaded report. lol

well.

2010-09-06T13:21:00.001+08:00
I suddenly felt like throwing everything out of the window, get a book and curl under the sheets with the AC unit on full blast.

Had been running around the place since I arrived home last Wed. Dah jadi multi-tasker tahap dewa ni. LOL.

The journey (of running around the place) continues.

hrmph.

2010-09-02T19:57:00.000+08:00
well. screw punctuations again.

felt numb.
on the legs, running around for errands. on the face, putting smiles on so many situations and laughing along with jokes from different people these few days. on the brain, processing too much info at the same time w/o time-out for digestion.

the heart? it has a different story.
some parts of the heart are painted orange. cheerful, happy to be back home. some parts are red in colour, wanting to finish off so much of back-logged work. some parts are coloured grey, so many things to think about and consider. well. can't really say i tried to understand my heart, since it's a jungle out there. but it helps knowing that the heart's a mess at the moment. lol

am back home. feels good to be back, actually. albeit the short duration. will be heading back to jb on monday for a meeting, then heading back home on wed afternoon.

i thought of anderson cooper. and his quote of 'i wanted emotion but couldn't find it here, so i settled for motion'. the one quote that so far describes the self-fulfilment i found while moving around.

should i jump around for that inspiration to work tonight?

well.

the hurdle almost ended.

2010-08-28T20:27:00.001+08:00
screw punctuations tonight. i want to type whatever comes to mind at this point of time, as the eyes are getting tinier and the concentration dies down for the day.

i just came back from port dickson, where a workshop under my research was organized.

tired. mentally and physically. if it wasn't for the hunger, i would have dropped dead on the bed by now and clocked 9 to 10 hours of sleep in one go.

the workshop marks the ending in my research project. after this, it's a matter of documentation and meetings with the relevant parties. during dinner with eky just now, i kept telling him how lucky i am to be involved in the project from the start. not to mention the steepest learning curve i've experienced, so far.

hopefully there's more to come in the future.

i've been working on the project for the past 4 months. great times. the new things i learned about the project, the people i met, and the places i go throughout the completion of this project.

inspiring. motivating. and of course, the crucial element that makes the experience worthwhile: my team mates, fadli and yan, as well as the bosses.

no regrets.

................................

there's one though. i missed barcamp jb day 1 2010 today. didn't attend the 2008 edition and almost missed this year's edition >_< might drop by tomorrow just to check things out, and get as much input as possible in the 9a - 2p slot for tomorrow. lol.

enough said. the bed's calling.

Makan.

2010-08-22T20:39:00.000+08:00

Like this picture the most. Minus Fadli's 76-muscle frown. LOL

Joanne came to JB for the weekend for a short trip. We met during breaking fast time at Seoul Garden, City Square.

It was the standard all-you-can-eat buffet, with an array of food for you to choose for. We took the food (seafood, beef, chicken etc), sit down, get 'em cooked over the pot and grill and tucked away.

That sequence didn't apply for Fadli and I though. We just sat there and waited for the others to cook for us. >_< dasar pemalas, dasar tak pandai masak

Fail lah.

Finally get to see Alish and Joanne. Alish, especially. Missed her a lot. Orang dah jadi tutor kat UTHM dah... The kids she taught would be so lucky to have such a sporting tutor.

*yawns*. Time for some zzs. Have been sitting in front of laptop for 10 hour straight today.

[BYEE 2010] Done. There you go.

2010-08-18T22:24:00.000+08:00
Dinner time. I sat next to Andrew. He was eating his food, I was sighing.
He asked, 'Hey. You okay?'

I said, 'Yeah. I'm just relieved.'.
It's like having a bulk of stress being lifted off the shoulders. No-more 'How to do it?'s or 'What if...'s.

Glad to have finished all sessions of carbon footprint education by today.

Some reflections:

#1: If there's an opportunity to do it all over again, I would.
I want to improve on my own part, especially -- students somehow like the session for the zoom-in and out style, not so much on the input. If I had better ways to present that session (so that the students get engaged in the process and had that motivation to offset their carbon footprint it, post-session), I would want to try presenting the session again.

I would also want to create bigger impact. 5 sessions isn't enough to have that so-called domino effect in the student community. The more students being engaged, the higher the probability that there WILL be some sort of changes happening, especially in the students' lifestyle, in terms of carbon-offsetting.

#2: I'm going to miss the experience, especially with the facilitators.
Idayu, for example. Didn't realise that the 5-sessions duration is her first in designing a session, and a kick-ass session for that matter.
Yee Khai - just being with him gives that kind of comfort, you know. Comfort that you get when you are with close friends and no matter what happens, he'll always be there for you.
Fadli? The sounding board of everything I do. Sometimes leading, sometimes reminding me to take the lead, and sometimes that friend whom you could really say anything and everything you want.
As for Syamir, the intelligence, the confidence and the laughs (not to mention conversations) I get while hanging out with him will be something that I'll miss, since we won't be meeting each other that often anymore.

I'd never asked them what they'd learned from the project. But God-willing, I hope they find something worthwhile to be remembered.

I told them during the first meeting that being selected to go to Germany is just icing on the cake now. The main ROI from this project is being with them and overseeing the project with them until the end.

The perception still holds though, at this point of time. But if.. if I am going to Germany, I need to figure out how to pack a blonde, blue-eyed German dude in the bag for Idayu. And also some Playboys for Fadli. LOL

#3: It's a steep learning curve. And it's passion-building as well.
I learned flexibility - in changing the course of project (when it's not working well), in allocating and modifying the sessions for the facilitators, in accepting the mistake done in the first session and not dwell on it in order to proceed to the next session.

Not to mention, the stress of handling this mini project as well as my main research at this point of time.

I know I won't have major regrets when presenting the project to the judges next month. Minor ones e.g. better tracking, better presentation styles, better timing etc? YES. A lot of it. But in terms of the actual implementation, NO.

'Nough said for one night. Time to sleep. Work tomorrow with boss to catch, materials to read up on and proposals to write >_<

[BYEE 2010] 2 more sessions done. one more to go.

2010-08-15T23:53:00.000+08:00

My life-savers. As mentioned in my FB status update. You guys are super awesome lah. Seriously.

[BYEE 2010] 2 sessions done. halfway there baby.

2010-08-14T21:12:00.000+08:00
Tired. Still in rojak language mode.

Today, we finished 2 carbon footprint sessions with 1st year Chem Engineering students. Rasa nak melonjak2 pun ada, rasa cuak pun ada, rasa nak rejam2 patung lembu kat atas katil pun ada. The mixed emotion is intriguing, to say the least.

Preparation time in library.

1st session: screw up on the calculation presentation. The kids got confused with calculation numbers and all. I felt bad because that's my session. Not only that, I dragged Eky along to feel bad as well, because we're handling the calculation together.

Eky in action.

Then the modifications came in. 2nd session went real well, in my opinion. The kids got the drift of the calculation and managed to estimate their carbon footprint. Eky was that smart in modifying the session.

Idayu in action

Part rasa nak melonjak2 tu sebab Idayu, Syamir, Fadli dan Eky cuba bersungguh2 persembahkan sesi masing2. I can see how hard they worked and all. Inspiring betul. Each of them had their style of being inspiring: Fadli with the usual sure-fire, clear cut explanation and all, Idayu with there-in-your-face dramatic effect in her presentation, Syamir with his easygoing, here's-what-happen-in-USA-and-I-think-we-can-have-it-here-as-well narration and Eky with his near-perfect lecturer-style explanation on the calculation.

Tapi ada juga perasaan tak puas hati ari ni. Due to that screw-up in 1st session. I could have done much better. Much, much better.

Syamir in action.

Right now, I'm not in the position to complain. I need to rejoice and be happy with what I had today. The gang who worked hard, for one thing. I've come this far also.

So let's just crash again tomorrow and see how it goes lah.

Time for some personal Dear-God time. I think I need some time to tell God what I feel at the moment.

hrmph.

2010-08-14T01:31:00.000+08:00
Malam ni nak buat posting rojak. 360 degree tukar selera dari posting English biase. Ade-lah alasan tu. Just shut up and give me your 96 seconds' worth of concentration on this page.

Tadi baru lepas meeting ngan team mates Idayu, Syamir, Fadli, Yee Khai utk program esok. Tapi hati masih tak aman lagi. Agaknye sebab nervous sgt progam nak jalan esok kot.

Tapi takkan nervous sampai tak boleh tidur? Mata boleh lelap bila2 masa tapi hati masih tak tenang.

Mungkin
1) byk benda2 yg tak confirm lagi utk esok, contoh pptx Idayu, Syamir, Fadli, Yee Khai, myself.
2) rasa diri ni tak patut dapat gelaran Bayer Young Environmental Envoy. Mcm byk je perkara yg I tak tahu lagi pasal isu2 alam sekitar ni. Gelaran tu mcm tak sesuai je ngan diri yg masih jahil lagi.
3) nampak sgt waktu meeting tadi siapa yg leading. Fadli. Sebab tu #2 muncul, #3 confirmkan keraguan dlm diri yg I memang tak de pengalaman, memang tak boleh jalan program bentuk kesedaran ni.
4) waktu present kerja tadi mengelabah tak tentu pasal. Tak tahu la, mungkin sebab rasa ragu2 tu tebal sangat sampai isi2 penting yg sepatutnya diberitau, tak diberitau.

Sepatutnya I yg kena tau mcm mana nak lead discussion, mcm mana nak sunting2 session yg tak betul. Tapi mulut tu jadi kelu, tak blh bercakap. Minda pun kosong, asyik pikir tidur je. Apa ni?!!

Doria. The last thing you have to do is to doubt your capabilities. And of all the times that you need to be in doubt, you have to do it now. Tak senonoh betul.

I don't know la. I guess I just have to crash and burn and put enough trust on myself and others to run everything smoothly.

[BYEE 2010] well. this is it.

2010-08-13T05:43:00.000+08:00

Quick shout out before starting the day.

The grand finale before the big day tomorrow.

Just a recap: I'll be doing 7 sessions in total over the course of 3 days on carbon footprint to 1st year students, each session totalling 1.5 hours.

I'm glad to have 4 people to split that burden with me: Idayu, Syamir, Fadli, Yee Khai. They'll be conducting the sessions together with me for all the 7 sessions.

Tonight we'll be finalising the session pptx-es (no pun intended) as well as the mood and flow of the whole session. Tetiba mcm jadi chair bagi conference je. Tapi conference ni 1.5 jam je, tak pjg sgt. But still, it's the night before the big event. I hope the stupid jokes and some silly remarks will let us get through the night easier. Harap2lah si Syamir tak bengkak mata mlm ni (sebab tak cukup tidur / tanda hujan). Dan si Idayu, Fadli & Yee Khai tak letih sgt lps kelas / kerja spjg hari.

Guys. In case you're reading this. I don't know how to repay you lah. Seriously. This is major hutang budi we're talking about. You guys are the reason why I'm still sticking around with the whole project. I just want to spend my time with you guys. Having your presence, and looking at your smiles, banters et al.

So far, being with you guys is the biggest reward of all. Sorry la, nak belanja you guys pun tak terdaya. Duit sara hidup tak cukup. Waktu duit masuk hujung bulan ni kite pi makan blh tak? :-)

Personal rant lah. LOL

2010-08-10T00:40:00.000+08:00
Brief reflection before bed.

(It seems like I've been making my before-bed reflections known to the public domain more frequently these days)

Let it go, let it roll off your shoulders.
Don't you know, the hardest pain is over.
Let it in, let your clarity define you,
In the end, we would only just remember how it feels...

The starting paragraph of Rob Thomas's 'Little Wonders'. I typed in the lyrics verbatim, which shows how much the song means personally.

Today, I wondered if I am overly calculative. In the things that I do, in the expectations that I set, in what I give and what I want in return.

I also wondered if this is just human nature, to wanting to feel appreciated and valued; or it's just a nag by my evil side to nitpick on people around me.

I'm not so sure if I'm doing the right things, giving the right contributions, having the right thoughts and intentions about people and getting my attention to the right things.

Our lives remain
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twisted time of fate
Time falls away
And these small hours
These small hours, will remain

A quote reads, blessed are those who give without remembering and take without forgetting.

Instead of remembering what matters most, I chose to remember what it takes to have those things that matter most. Which is, in a way, wrong. And which, at the end of the day, is a total energy zapper.

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine, till you feel it all around you
And I don't mind, if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by, it's the heart that matters in the end

In a way, I feel like the Doria that came to uni 4 years back is still the Doria that finishes her degree 4 years later. A nitpicker, lacking in confidence, speaking without substance, unable to rationalise and act appropriately to situations, unable to show that poker face in all situations. I tried hard to remember whatever goodness of me that people can remember of, but somehow couldn't.

I need a step back. Just to see things from a different angle. To remind myself that it's good to be calculative, but it's better to know how to give and take without giving too much and receiving too little. Also to accept that in a grand scheme of things, whether you are giving and taking is not really that significant.

All of my regret will wash away sometime
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now

Yeap. And this song, together with Daughtry's 'Call My Name' keeps on looping on my media player, and will be for the rest of the remaining hours before work.

Forever young: A must-have feeling.

2010-08-07T21:33:00.001+08:00
Brief reflection before going to bed.

5 ways to feel young again:

#1: Limit your age description to <20. 16 is a good number.

#2: Try taking care of hyper-energetic, 10-12 year olds. You'll be surprised at the level of energy being used.

#3: Play along with the kids. As in their jokes, banters, etc. Act like one, if you're up to it.

#4: Be appreciative of the little things. In other words, having child-like wonder into what you do and take pride in the things that you do, even in the simplest chores.

#5: Dance as if the stage is yours. Screw the image, it's how you feel that matters.

Went to help out in Roseline's event at Kompleks Tan Sri Mohamed Rahmat. Care United JB's 'Merdeka Celebrates!' with kids around Johor region. The 5 pts are my takeaway of the event. Simply awesome.

Well.

2010-08-06T01:08:00.000+08:00
Quick reflection before heading to bed.

#1: The kind of people whom you hang out with will influence the way you think and behave.
Perspective thinking. No-box thinking. Top-down / bottom-up thinking. Thinking out loud. (The last one was a joke). The different kinds of thinking found in different people, at different situations.
Malcolm Gladwell put this aptly by saying, "To a worm in horseradish, the world is horseradish". So unless you breakout from that circle of friends, most likely your thoughts and actions are predictable and well, dull.

#2: This being together-falling apart thingy can really bring the whole emotion down. Even foursquare-ing the distance may not be enough to locate where you are and how far you go (figuratively speaking, of course).
张小娴 wrote this particular piece, which practically sums up what I'm thinking at the moment:

"世界上最遥远的距离
The furthest distance in the world
不是生与死
Is not between life and death
而是我就站在你面前你却不知道我爱你
But when I stand in front of you Yet you don’t know that  I love you
世界上最遥远的距离
The furthest distance in the world
不是我就站在你面前你却不知道我爱你
Is not when i stand in font of you Yet you can’t see my love
而是明明知道彼此相爱却不能在一起
But when undoubtedly knowing the love from both  Yet cannot  Be together
世界上最遥远的距离
The furthest distance in the world
不是明明知道彼此相爱却不能在一起
Is not being apart while being in love
而是明明无法抵挡这股想念却还得故意装作丝毫没有把你放在心里
But when plainly can not resist the yearning Yet pretending You have never been in my heart
世界上最遥远的距离
The furthest distance in the world
不是明明无法抵挡这股想念
Is not being plainly resisting the yearning
而是用自己冷漠的心对爱你的人掘了一条无法跨越的沟渠"
But using one’s indifferent heart To dig an uncrossable river For the one who loves you

#3: Work will not be a chore if you enjoy it and always remind yourself to find something amusing throughout your duty / appointment.

I'm talking about my present job. This stage i.e. reaching the end of the research is getting even more exciting than the previous stages.

'Nough said. I'm going to bed. *yawns*

24

2010-08-01T23:16:00.002+08:00
I'm doing another countdown. After this posting last year.
To be frank, the past one year has been exciting. Pushing limits (and people's buttons), 'Can I?' moments, crash-and-burn situations, the likes.

The general consensus among the peeps is that I don't celebrate birthdays. So don't bother preparing any surprise for me because I don't buy it. However, some close, concerned friends still did it. Like last night, during my working trip to Sabah. Which is pretty sweet, seeing the effort that they put in making the surprise possible.

(Fadli, Yan, Syamir and Nurul: Thank you. Very much.)

1. I went back for Raya. It's a luxury to go back; it's even more so when you experience the warmth of simply being at home, with the family.

2. Had my first migraine ever, and successive migraines afterwards. And the significance of it is that I'm getting accustomed to utilize the brain more these days.

3. Being a full-fledged student, finally, after running around the campus for student activities for the past 3 years. Enjoying the moments of simply chilling out, taking time to do everything and fully concentrating on passing my papers and having fun.

4. Developed a rather strange (but satisfying) habit of movie marathons at the cinema.The most I stretched, in terms of movies / day would be 3. Hopefully, in the coming year ahead, it can be increased to 4 movies / day.

4. Through different incidents, realising the cold hard truth that
a) People are ignorant, no matter how you much you devote yourself to them. Just in case you want them to take notice, do things their way or dangle a carrot in front of them as a form of incentive.
b) You can exceed your own threshold level, but never let people know that you have exceeded their threshold level.

(Not going to elaborate more on #4. PM for more explanation, if needed)

5. Played with horses. Learned how to take care of them. But failed at riding on one. -_- Not complaining though, I think I have more opportunities in the future to learn horse riding.

6. Consistently jogged for 1 hour / day for 9 months. Gained strength training and a peace of mind in those jogging sessions. But recovered the weight lost in the final 3 months.

7. Cross-roads time, in terms of identifying the direction to proceed post-degree. The confusion, facing uncertainties and the sheer amount of opportunities available.

8. I read more books for the past one year. The Visual Bookshelf (I think it's the one facebook app that I had) is being updated more frequently with a variety of books.

9. Doing are-you-out-of-your-mind things. Like hitch-hiking some strangers' cars. Or joked with whoever I had at the side when I feel like it, including strangers. Or staying awake for 48 hours to do work, only to have a long 24-hour shut-down period afterwards.

10. Decided not to set any resolutions for 2010, and breaking any conventional thoughts I had before that, like making my goals clear and measurable. Go random.

11. Camped outside for the first time in my life. And walked, in the dark, all the way up to Balai Cerap UTM at midnight. Awesome experience.

12. Went back for Chinese New Year. Discovered how short stints of holidays would bring much difference to effective working.

13. Won a netbook. The present HP mini Studio Tord Boonje that I'm using at the moment.

14. Redefined what 'love' means. And trying to remember the fact that there is someone out there for me, sometime.

15. Presented final year project. And being unofficially graduated in the process.

16. Started working as a research assistant the day after the final paper of final semester. Work proceeds, until now. Intense learning experience.

17. Got an internship in PEMANDU, Putrajaya. But had to forget about it because of #16.

18. Passed 1st round selection for MISC Student Attachment Programme. But didn't manage to go on second round. At least I'm almost there! :-)

19. Was awarded Bayer Young Environmental Envoy 2010. :-)

20. Conquered Niah cave. The 8++ hours of walking in and out of the main cave, as well as going through another section of the main cave. Best sweat-inducing experience so far.

21. Went on frequent KL trips since May. Intense (bus-riding) day trip experience.

22.After working for the past 3 months, I've realised that
a) I am too straightforward
b) I am too blunt
c) I can't put a poker face
d) I still need to redefine what 'confidence' means to me, till this point of time
e) I am action-orientated, not so much on talking and negotiating

23. Went to Sabah for the third workshop under my research. Went island hopping and walked around the Phillipines market in KK. Awesome experience.

46 minutes left. Happy 24th birthday to me.

Jom gi JB Arts Festival 2011 tahun depan!

2010-07-25T11:49:00.000+08:00
Johor Bahru comes alive with various arts and cultural performances annually under JB Arts Fest. The 7th installation of the arts festival, which closed its curtains yesterday night, featured local and international acts providing live and mesmerizing performances to the public.

Oops. Sounds like a sponsored link.
I am not getting paid for this particular piece. >_<

For the past two weeks, Bukit Timbalan has become a must-stop night haunt for a few friends and I.

On 14/07, Fadli went for this particular session:

Pic taken here. More info here.

Ueno Koshuzan, the only Master sakuhachi player living outside Japan, in a one-night-only performance sponsored by Japan Foundation and the Embassy of Japan, Malaysia.

I hated myself for not attending this performance.

I went for a funny-bone cracking Laughter Yoga workshop by Ms Lee-Jean Fung on 16/07. Video here. I missed a good portion of the workshop, but nevertheless put myself in stitches over the laughter exercise at the end of the workshop.

On 20/07, Yee Khai, Fadli and I went for Kuah JenHan and Douglas Lim's stand-up comedy session. More info here.

My cheeks felt numb from all of the laughing just 15 minutes into the show. Great way to end the oh-so-gloomy day over a low point in the current research that I'm doing at the moment.

Two days later (22/07), Fadli, Raphael, Andrew, Roseline and I went for this one-night-only performance by the hot mama Junji Delfino and David Gomes' jazz quartet. More info here and this is Ms Delfino's blog.

Psst. She's on Facebook as well. And you can check out her vids on YouTube.
Or, bring her into your stereos / iPods / MP3s by buying her latest album! Out in stores now.

The performance was superb. Excellent. Minus the occasional technical oh-can-you-turn-down-the-monitor scenes as well as oh-it's-so-hot-in-here-any-tissues scenes.

Ms Junji performed songs from her latest album as well as her fave songs, e.g. this BM medley and 'My Favourite Things. I like two of her singles, 'It's Alright' and 'Here I Am' very much. Mr Gomes' expression when he played the piano had myself and Andrew going... 'Oh wow!' and 'This is so good...'.

The jaw-dropping part of that night was when we ACTUALLY get to meet and talk to her up close after the show. Dammit for being starstruck and left without pics as evidence. -___-

Last night (24/07), Roseline and I went for this wushu / contemporary dance performance of an old-time classic story, Farewell My Concubine.

P
Photo stolen from the link above.

Boom! The sound effects. The emotions on the performers' faces. The interpretation of Xiang Yu's inner conflicts, as well as Yu Ji's undying love towards Xiang Yu.

Boo! For the slightly long lover-dance session between Xiang Yu and Yu Ji. Figured it was a bit too long. But then... I think the director had his reasons of emphasizing on the lover-dance section, since this performance is about Xiang Yu and Yu Ji anyway.

I'm marking my calendars for the 2011 edition of the Arts Fest. How about you?

[BYEE 2010] I finally see the light.

2010-07-20T19:10:00.001+08:00

April 21st, 2010.
Saw a poster on Bayer Young Environmental Envoy 2010 call for paper submission.
"*bleep*! Sempat ke nak buat paper ni?!!"
Stayed at the library to finish the proposed paper.
Don't even know if I can get that shot, but I decided to try anyway.

April 22nd, 2010.
Run around for project meetings, getting signature of my faculty's assistant registrar, spending time for parcel delivery (since it's my supposed last semester as undergraduate, shipping a lot of parcels back home.
Finally, that BYEE 2010 paper is submitted.
Sigh. Where did I get all those adrenaline to risk it all?

April 30th, 2010.
Got a call from Bayer (can't remember who called me) that I was selected for a second round selection i.e. interview at their office in Jaya 33, PJ.
Was so happy to receive that call.
*bleep*!! *bleep*!! Is this for real?!!
Pinch myself twice just to make sure. Yes, it is real.

May 11th, 2010.
Go to KL early morning from JB to catch my interview at 2pm. Then rush back to Bukit Jalil bus terminal to catch a 4pm bus back to JB.
Was so nervous. Can I make it?
Karen (BYEE project leader) sounds like a nice person wor... The interview? That's a different story.
After stepping out of the meeting hall, I smiled.
Yeap! At least I attended that interview. Even if I failed, at least I get reimbursed.
(And at least it's a day off from office >_< )

May 14th, 2010.
Karen called.
OHMIGOD! I passed the interview.
I remembered messaging Fadli, Alish and Atikah about the good news.
Fadli said, "Make sure you go all the way to the end."
Alish said, "See? You are nervous for no reason!"
Atikah said, "Expected la... Congrats and hope you'll go Germany!"

June 21-25, 2010.
BYEE Eco-Camp in Bintulu / Miri, Sarawak. See post here.

June 27th until July 16th, 2010.
Was tossed from one department to another department, one unit to another unit, one building to another building.
My initial project of organizing a session during orientation week for 1st year students cannot be implemented.
Am so worried. *bleep*! I want to go Germany, especially the study tours!

Dr Zainura, the last lecturer that I met said, "I'll follow up with you by next Wed. It's a pity you're being referred to different places, when this is a very good project to be executed."

I almost gave up on Germany.
There was this little voice inside my heart, saying "Oh well. At least I conquered Niah."
But there's another voice, a louder one at that; not to mention Fadli's voice, saying "You CAN do it."

July 20th, 2010.
The light came.
9++a, I was drowsy after managing a sleepless night of reading and touching up research findings. Dropped by in office to finish off some paperwork.
"Hi Doria! We received your proposal and we think we can work together on your project. Can you come to our meeting at 10a?"
I was asked to conduct sessions on carbon footprint to 1st year students.

4 sessions, 250 students from Faculty of Chemical Engineering, 1 day in 2nd week of August 2010, with the permission to follow through for tracking purposes.
Although the initial project couldn't be realized, at least the scale for this project is doable, executable and measurable.

Finally.

While having project meeting around 5+pm, Karen called.
I told her the good news.
I looked at the sky. It's raining. It's getting cold. I smiled.
Yeap! At least I can execute a project. Even if I didn't make it for Germany, at least I get that experience, that adrenaline rush and that passion for environmental issues.

Karen! Is your phone call a sign that everything's going to be ok after this? :-)

[Thinking] Joy. That's what you're suppose to look for, actually.

2010-07-17T22:24:00.003+08:00

concept of joy, originally uploaded by AraiGodai.
After 3 appointments and a brief stop at the office (plus a short trip to send my all-wet laundry), I went to a laughter yoga session at Bukit Timbalan, JB. This particular session was organized FOC in conjunction with JB Arts Festival, and the core facilitator of the session is Lee-Jean.

Although I missed a major part of the session (and was too tired to even consider joining the 8.30p session), I had fun just by attending the laughing exercise, at the end of the session.

I remember one particular sentence that Lee-Jean said in her session. Not to say verbatim, but it goes something like this: Happiness is induced. Joy comes naturally and stays longer. I didn't give it a thought until this morning, while cleaning up the messy room.

According to Lee-Jean, happiness is like driving your own BMW. You had that excitement initially; but as time goes by, the excitement wears off. Joy, on the other hand, comes from 4 elements: when you are laughing; when you are having childlike wonder into things e.g. learning; when you are going through motion-to-emotion moments (like moving around, exercising); and when you er... I think I missed one. -_-

So. This joy thingy... Where to find?

[Out Of Control]

2010-07-14T19:29:00.002+08:00

Out Of Control, originally uploaded by Mr. Caulfield.
If there's a way to Photoshop myself into this particular pic (knowing how bad my Photoshop skills are), I would.

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel out of control? Like, things happening around you, moving and spinning very fast yet you are standing there, looking at the things that has happened.

Kinda like one of those scenes in documentaries/movies where things just move fast enough. And your task is to try to catch them before they leave your sight.

How to get out? Don't know!

(Laughter)

2010-07-10T19:40:00.002+08:00

Despicable-Me minions 1600 x 900, originally uploaded by Big J.W..
Watched 'Despicable Me' with Zhang last night and well, I've been obsessed with these yellow creatures since then.

Super cute adorable minions.

And as I walked out of the cinema hall, it dawned upon me that my laughs during the 1.5 hr seating for the movie.... Was the first few moments of real carefree laughter I've had in a week.

Am going to watch this movie again. Just for laughs. :-P

Fuh.

2010-07-08T20:53:00.002+08:00

And There's Only Ashes Left Behind my Tired Carcass... Annuska is No More..., originally uploaded by AnnuskA - AnnA Theodora.
Oh. That lady in the pic is beautiful. So is the photo and the effect. Just the bare essentials. Simple!

3 days of lunch + dinner packed around 5+p. Not healthy.

Also, 3 days of 7-hr KO sleep. Wake up, work for a few hours, sleep back, then wake up and be in office within 1 hour.

However, am enjoying my work at the moment. Very much. Have done my proclamation on Facebook yesterday. Once is enough, I guess... emotional proclamations should, after all, be done once... during the most intense, heartfelt moments.

This ranting will continue some other time. Would need some extra shut eyes for a heavy-duty meeting tomorrow.

Perspective thinking

2010-07-04T16:08:00.001+08:00

THiNK°P♥NK, originally uploaded by Sash´s Kitchen-Studio Photography.
With the recent read (Malcom Gladwell's 'What the Dog Saw'), and the recent watch at the cinema ('Toy Story 3'), plus the output from a research workshop on Thursday, I came to realize that I need to do more perspective thinking after this.

Perspective thinking: the ability to think outside of self. The 'putting myself in your shoes' concept. Probably one way to see what you cannot see with your own (restrictive, self-centered) thoughts, and act accordingly, based on mutual benefit for all.

Founders of Heinz have successfully maintained its position as the best ketchup ever due to this method.

Administrators who had the people's benefit at heart would have use this method, at all times, to figure out their actions and allocations that best suit the people's needs. (Hrmph. No politician in sight).

The effective teachers / trainers / facilitators would be using this method to be on par with their audience / students, hence forming a bond that would assist in learning.

There's so much to gain when that thought process is directed more towards perspective thinking. And at the same time, if one plays his cards right, perspective thinking, in a way, can be used to manipulate others to his own benefit.

One example where perspective thinking can be put to good use: say you're in McDonalds having your meals (am hungry, btw). You're done with your meal. Just before you walked off, you had this thought: "What if I help the crews clean up my tray?", because there's so many people lining up at the counter and you noticed the crews are trying as fast as possible to please everybody. So you cleared your tray, put it at the designated location, and went off. Happy ending for yourself as well as for the crews.

(YEAH. I think Malaysians should practice compassion towards the crews in fast food chains, for once.)

Can't really think of the bad part of perspective thinking at the moment, as I need food to fuel the brain. But, if you are smart enough, you would come to me and said, 'Let's go to McDonalds. I know you're hungry.".

You bring me to McDonalds, let me have my time to think, then said, 'Hey. I need help in this. Mind helping me to settle it?'

Oops. There you go. A manipulative situation using perspective thinking. Manipulative, in the sense that you know what I really want at this point of time, and what are the benefits that both sides, especially your side, can get outside of this situation (me being full after my Value meals, you having my help after my stomach is full and mood is better).

Gotta cut this crap and proceed with work. LOL.

Hrmph.

2010-07-02T18:34:00.001+08:00

McD is not paying for this by the way.

First time sitting down, silently, without any work bothering me, after running around for 5 days.

I've been doing things as time goes by; after all, that's how I want it to be (when I decided not to set any new year resolution for this year). However, recent events reminded me to rethink my strategies and consider, for once, using that organizer to do actual life planning.

My friends are registering for their Masters and I'm still looking for funding for my postgrad studies at the moment.
My internship plans in PEMANDU has been put on hold because I couldn't report on the date stated in my offer letter (1 Aug 2010) -- I'm still working for a research project under UTM, which will only end in August.
I'm feeling a down-time in the current research I'm working on. Seems like my efforts do not tally with my results. And seems like I'm putting too much effort in the work at the moment.
My Bayer project has been put on hold as I can't get any approval for the project and there's no way I can execute it during orientation week. I only have about 9 weeks to go before final judging.
I think I'm going to shrink inside my shell for tonight and think about what I should do next. No matter what, I need the momentum to keep going, especially in the weeks to come.